I really wanted to give my body a rest BUUUUT, I got so upset in the morning that I needed a good release. Running/working out just helps do that.

Date:   5/4/2015 8:38:26 PM ( 9 y ago)

Saturday - May 2

It's my mental/emotional state right now. I know I'm going through something that I can't put into words at this time. I feel as though I'm in the midst of an internal struggle. Feels incredibly frustrating but I know it's one of those times when you feel at your crappiest because a breakthrough is just around the corner. The moment when it's "darkest just before the dawn". In the meantime, this conflict within has been making me very edgy (more sensitive perhaps). I thought it was the fast but I've been refeeding and my emotional state hasn't picked up liked I would have expected. When I mean sensitive, it's as if things get too me that I have difficulty processing/modulating/tuning out...noise, conflict, negativity, agitation...I feel so raw I guess. I believe my ego is at the height of its resistance to the next phase of spiritual transformation. My mind is more aware now of my thoughts and actions that are no longer in line with the belief system I currently have and it is frustrating me.

The first thought that came to mind was the bible verse in Romans "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

As a student of A Course In Miracles, I am becoming more aware of the ego's voice. Seeing the effects of listening to that voice is becoming more evident. But the Spirit's Voice is also becoming louder. Ego's voice is always judgment, fear, attack, opposition/resistance, guilt, division/separation. The Spirit's Voice is always love, peace, forgiveness, acceptance, oneness, wholeness, equality (pardon the grammar and inconsistencies).

I know my frustrations are coming from within and the ability to tolerate all the conflict has been too much as evidenced by the heaviness of emotions being projected to my family. Intolerance of the chaos at home that morning was really a reflection of the chaos within. I had a bit of a meltdown and needed to just escape. I took off to the beach and released all of the negative crap there. I had to run. Not too much. Just enough to let go and feel relieved of all that garbage. I didn't stay too long as it was around noon, the sun was at its strongest but it was also too windy. I ended up going to the gym right after for sauna and a little more running on the treadmill since I felt I still have stuff needing to be released.

I went home in a much better state.

Been spending more time reflecting over the wisdom and Truths from ACIM.

Sunday - May 3

Trying to stay mindful and aware of my thoughts.
Went to do some grocery shopping. On the drive home (I was the passenger) I felt I got a sign. I was going scanning through the radio and I hear the unmistakable voice of Sting (The Police), and I stop of course and hear the song from exactly at this point:

"I'll be watching you.

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you.

Oh can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches with every step you take.

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you."


I just felt like God was speaking to me. You know how I am with repeating numbers as a sign. It was on station 99.9 And the time was at 2:25.

The next song that followed was one that I had a big AHA moment before as a sign about a year ago.

(I started paying attention to signs around that time and this was the first song that came on when I got in my car. At the same time the clock was showing repeating digits.)

It's by Pat Benatar, "We Belong"

Here are the lyrics that stood out:

"We belong to the light
We belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words
We've both fallen under

Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together"

The amazing thing about lyrics to music. I don't hear them anymore thinking of earthly relationships. Love songs pretty much are primarily between God and I. Pretty awesome feeling.

At least even while I feel like I am struggling, I know God is right there by my side always ready to send me a lifeline whenever I give Him any thought at all.


(reminder: with dry fasting my cognitive processing is not at it's usual level---probably a good thing. So grammar, typ-o, etc. is to be expected. Thanks for understanding)




 

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