More ramblings as I continue to heal (non-physical stuff)

Date:   4/30/2015 11:15:13 AM ( 9 y ago)

I spent more time with God yesterday. It seems with all this stuff coming to the surface emotionally, I knew that is what I needed to do. One of the big things that are getting most of my attention due to overwhelming frustration is how I'm dealing with my role as a mother and a home maker. It almost seems like the role automatically comes with feelings of inadequacy as well as overwhelming guilt and shame. Clearly they are my own projections of a lot of things not healed/unforgiven in my past with my own parents. But my ego is caught up in seeing the cause of my problems coming from the external. One thing is for sure, your relationship with your own kids can tell you so much of what is going on with you. They really reflect back to you what you have projected onto them. It's not a pretty thing to see. And well, Instead of recognizing I am the original source of conflict, disappointment, frustration, and unhappiness my ego chooses to place the blame directly onto them. I am therefore justified.

I have these two books on parenting based on A Course In Miracles (ACIM). They are very short ones. Re-reading it again these last two days have helped me connect more dots.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."---- Wayne Dyer

In the midst of all this introspection with my role as a parent, I've also looked at my relationship with my own parents. Here is a quote I read this morning that resonated pretty loudly :

"The goal of being here is to remember...that we are children of God and not children of the ego or its world. The people in our lives, beginning with our parents, are irrelevant to that goal, except insofar as they remind us of what we already know. They are not the ones responsible for our remembering, however; only our decision-making minds are. The same holds true of our self-image. Parents are not responsible for our positive or negative views of ourselves; they serve only to reinforce decisions we have already made."

I know this can be a big challenge to make sense of this especially that last sentence. I know it is for me. I've carried so much resentment and blame of both my parents. That sentence basically holds me completely responsible. The key is not to look at that with judgment but to help me realize that the power of choice has always rested on me. Ultimately, no matter what happens to me I have the choice of how I am going to be affected by it. As long as i have a "but" or some reason to make an exception to the rule, then I know it is simply my unwillingness to forgive and continue to reinforce that decision. Instead of letting go, I continue to be bound by it and remain victimized.

This may sound like crazy banter but in my mind it is what's making sense. I feel emotional healing happening with my understanding of it.

In my family, there's my dad, my mom, and my older sister. For decades now I've always been frustrated and resentful that I have to be the mature one. I feel like I'm the parent to all of them. I have to be the understanding one. I am the one they look to for guidance. I felt like "what about me?" When are they all gonna grow up and act closer to their age?

I read something else that made sense this morning. It is a dialogue from the book I mentioned earlier "Parents and Children Our Most Difficult Classroom" (part 2). This woman was asking about how she can deal with her mother that doesn't get it where she is coming from. Here was the response:

"Your mistake is that you want your mother to come to where you are, and she is not able to; it is too alien to her. She needs you to come to where she is. What she needs from you is that you express your love for her on her terms. And the way you achieve this is not to feel you have any needs that have to be met by her---she cannot meet them. As I have been emphasizing---and I think it is particularly appropriate here---try not to see her as your mother, but as your daughter or younger sister. You are the adult now in the relationship...the roles are really reversed---you are the parent who needs to love her unconditionally. With that attitude, you will know exactly how to be with her, because you will say and do whatever you know would be the most helpful. When in your right mind, this will not be difficult nor sacrificial."

I've always wondered if and when my parents were ever gonna act or be parents. It's a legitimate question but one that obviously leads only to disappointment and resentment. What I read helped me to feel grateful for what I know and understand. I do have more peace in my life because of it.

You know how the world always celebrates having loving parents who made a difference in our lives. Mother's Day. Father's Day. Well, I believe there are children who have come into families to help heal the parent(s). I resented it at first because it seemed I got the short end of the stick. But I am realizing more and more how lost my Dad, Mom, and sister are. I'm not saying that to puff myself up with self-righteousness. I mean that if I'm in a position to be more loving, as they aren't able to yet, then having more love should preclude that I love them more. I could state the obvious "that's not fair" answer. But would I rather trade places and be in the place of need rather than being in the place to give.

Anyway, those are more of the rambling of my mind. I'm gonna call my mom and give her some love as at this moment I have some to give =)

 

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