Missed posting yesterday. I'm not quite sure what's going on with me mentally/emotionally. I feel a bit unstable having both emotional highs and low lows.

Date:   4/29/2015 12:43:56 PM ( 9 y ago)

I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way. In a physical sense I should be happy. Holding at 133lbs and about 25% BF since re-feeding. I started the day feeling tired. Seems strange I'm more tired during re-feeding than when fasting. Perhaps this is the detoxing going on still. Perhaps repair, or even both. So, yesterday I took my daughter to the beach. I love going to the beach because I just feel it has a cleansing, healing, invigorating effect on my spirit. Yesterday's experience was no exception. Let me just go through a few high points. I ran on the beach. Compared to the last times I ran there, it just felt easier. I usually am unable to run barefoot on the wet sand. It was too hard on my foot, ankle, knee. But after shedding some weight I felt lighter. My movements seem fluid and like all working parts were turning without obstruction. I wasn't weighed down by shortness or breath, discomfort, or pain. I spotted a sea lion very close, bobbing up a few times taking a peak at me. I always enjoy seeing them. I usually get very excited with dolphin sightings since it is not a usual occurrence. I find these sightings divine. I feel that I go beyond the body as my spiritual connection feels more real. No dolphin sightings but as I was having this thought on my head. A deep insight. An outpouring of my heart. I looked left and saw a spray of water less than 100 yards away right alongside where I was running. IT WAS A WHALE!!! A little one. A whale nonetheless. OMGoodness. That was the biggest highlight of the day! I ran to the end of the beach alongside this whale. What a sight to behold!

Now I wish I could say the rest of the day was as amazing. It's strange how I can feel like I'm having all this spiritual growth with all these revelations and AHA moments, and yet I feel more unstable. Like a war is waging inside me. I guess I see what's happening to me as going through a break up. You've decided you want to end an unhealthy and unloving relationship. So you break up with it. But "it" is not going to let go of you so readily. It reminds you of how comfortable and familiar the old ways and times were. It asks why you even want to change or want any different since it's just so much easier not to change. Trying to deal with that yesterday was a struggle. Erroneous beliefs or patterns of thinking are becoming more evident. Seeing more and more of it made me throw a huge blaming myself party. And Of course, after going through some harsh self-flogging guilt and shame joined the party. I got so frustrated with myself that it depressed the heck out of me and carried over much through this morning. But it is a new day. I am thankful for my quiet time where I have my home all to myself. I can let go of everything and just listen for guidance. At this time, I am reminded that on my own, it is hard. It feels impossible but I remember, I don't have to feel any of this because I have choice. There is a way out. I don't do it on my own. God waits for me with every decision in every moment. Remember that game Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? That is like life except we get unlimited lifelines from God and the answer is always correct. We simply have to ask for it.

Have a blessed day everyone. If anything significant happens today I will share with an update. God bless you all and have a beautiful day!

9pm
It almost feels like I ate so much today. Actually calories total about 1300. Mostly organic raw foods (basil-tomato salad, arugula salad, turkey bacon, about 4 X 100 cal Muscle Milk -sugar-free, lactose-free, raw almonds, raw pecans). I didn't have my first meal until about 2pm. I'm not sure if it's the Muscle Milk (it's sugar free and low carb) but I felt I had an increased appetite today. I wonder if perhaps just the sweetness of it triggers something in my body.

I really thought this would be the last fast for awhile but I'm actually considering maybe doing a dry fast next week. I'm not sure. I will see how this whole week goes by. I'll listen to my body. Just thought I'd mention that.

I am so sleepy and tired. I'm gonna knock out for the day. Good night.



 

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