A day of reflection and insight

Date:   4/23/2015 1:38:06 PM ( 9 y ago)

10am
Started my day at 6:15am. I slept pretty well last night. I woke up once at 1am and my nasal passages were uncomfortably dry. I have not taken any type of meds since I had gotten sick but last night I wanted to open up my nasal passages before going to bed and so I sprayed my nose with a decongestant. It worked too well. TOOO DRY! I did feel this phlegmy gunk on back of my throat. I wanted something to drink pretty bad to clear it out. I just kept dry swallowing. I swished and gargled with magnesium Oil (i first typed mineral. Ugh my brain. glad i noticed). I had that unopened bottle of Perrier on my side table in case of emergency. I was sooo tempted. But I stuck to my guns! I fell asleep pretty quickly and actually stayed asleep. That is not usually the case when I'm fasting this far along. I'm just about at 60 hours dry fasting (5 hours from my last record).

I feel so much better today. I mean in an emotional sense. I feel like I released the heaviness of yesterday. Really strange. If you are familiar with Ekhart Tolle, my pain body was very active yesterday. I felt emotionally hijacked. Life seemed to be weighing heavily on me. Woke up this morning and right a way thought of that DMV experience and how very very upset I got. So, I reflected on it. I haven't had that prolonged intense anger and frustration for a very long time. This morning I prayed for those the people who worked there, particularly these 3 ladies my anger was directed towards. I forgave them and forgave myself asking God to heal us. I felt loving compassion and oneness rather than contempt and self-righteousness.

Back to physical stuff. Overall, I feel fine this morning. My nose draining somewhat and had a bit of a cough when I first woke up (nasal drip to throat I'm guessing). Don't really feel any congestion at this time. Breathing is pretty clear. I had some leg cramping last night before going to bed but I don't feel that this morning. No joint pain (love that)! Had my coffee enema with Ionic minerals added. I feel real good. Well, I still have the fatigue and weakness happening but that is to be expected. I am at 133.0 lbs and readings varied between 24-26% body fat. I hope to feel relatively this comfortable till I hit my 72 hour mark at 10p tonight.

Warning here comes more reflections and insight. After having 4 kids (gaining over 60lbs with each pregnancy) during the last 16 years it's this up and down struggle with health and weight. After each kid I would lose most of it and then bam preggo again. Each time my body took a real beating not just with weight but overstretched muscles, tendons, joint pain, etc. Of course the factory was officially closed when I was 39. That's why turning 40 was monumental for me. It was reclaiming my body/my life. I had given so much of myself that I felt it was high time my happiness became a priority. So at my heaviest after my last pregnancy just before giving birth I stopped checking my weight after 190lbs. Fast forward 4 years later (what feels like a long crazy journey), it seems surreal that I am within 10 pounds from my goal. Before having kids, physical fitness was always at the top of my priority. I loved reading Muscle and Fitness magazines and running at least 2 miles 3-5 times a week. It was a form of release and one way I felt in control and good about myself. After having kids it felt like my body and self-worth was destroyed. I became mom and lost myself somewhere. 40s has been about taking the time to really work on my personal growth. Finding the Truth. Finding my bliss. Part of that journey was the relentless pursuit of fixing my body.

Taking an honest assessment of how I feel about myself. On an ego level, I am amazed where I am physically. I feel lean, tone, stronger, and dare I say...beautiful. I have never been comfortable with self-praise especially the "b" word. To stand in front of the mirror seeing the definition of my abs...again I use the word "surreal". Physically I'm there but mentally and emotionally I'm not caught up. I don't feel present enough to really fully enjoy this moment. I should feel a lot happier being at this point right? So as I let my thoughts marinate I realize more the crazy and insane sh*# we put ourselves through with all that we do with our bodies. I put so much emphasis on my joy being dependent on my physical state. I realize how insane that is. Power is of the mind/spirit and not the other way around. This is not a revelation of judgement but one of forgiveness and compassion. I see how much my own thoughts and feelings (unworthiness, guilt, shame,fear) were projected on to my body resulting in illness and suffering. ACIM speaks of transcending beyond the limits of the body and I'm starting to get it.

Here is a few passages in ACIM...
CH2.
"Peace is an attribute IN you. You cannot find it outside. Illness is some form of external searching. Health is inner peace. It enables you to remain unshaken by lack of love from without and capable, through your acceptance of miracles, of correcting the conditions proceeding from lack of love in others..."

"...When you are afraid of anything. you are acknowledging its power to hurt you. Remember that where your heart is, there is your treasure also. You believe in what you value. If you are afraid, you are valuing wrongly. Your understanding will then inevitably value wrongly, and by endowing all thoughts with equal power will inevitably destroy peace."

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We always talk about power of intention and visualizing what we want. I believe in it. But we usually do not think of the equal power to do the opposite with doubt and fear. We create through the expression of love and we miscreate with the lack of love.

Today is a day emphasizing of dealing with cause (internal) rather than effects (external). I see how much fear is tied into my relationship with the body and food. I really want to be liberated from fears and be at peace. This is my prayer and intention. Jesus, purify my thoughts that my perception may reflect the Truth and that joy and peace may rightfully be returned to my mind.

12pm
I re-read my post and as I reached the end tears filled my eyes. I see how much lack of love and self acceptance I had for myself. Trying to fix myself seemed like a positive thing on the surface when deep down it was a continued act of self-loathing, rejection, and punishment. Simply put I have been so unloving toward myself. God liberate me from fears so that love may dominate my life beginning with myself.

10:30pm
My day of reflection and insight was short lived. I was so busy i went non-stop from noon till now. I somehow made it to the gym and hit the sauna and treadmill for run (5.5-6.0)/brisk walk (3.5). And I just spent last three hours helping my son make a cupcake bouquet for his girlfriend's birthday tomorrow.

Something to note around 6pm my lower back just started really hurting. Like when you get your period back pain with a little more intensity. I have some nasal congestion.

More importantly. I COMPLETED 72 HOURS dry fasting!!! My record now is 3 days! Yipppeee. I did feel some thirst tonight but I've been so crazy busy that it was easy to ignore. I'm in for another busy Friday tomorrow. I hope I can get good rest/sleep tonight.

 

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