Recovery and healing takes time, patience, and hard work, but it does happen.

Date:   9/7/2014 9:19:05 AM ( 10 y ago)

So.........this has long since ceased being about what "he did" and evolved into "what I can do to help myself."  Certainly, I can recollect the behaviors, deceptions, and betrayals of both exspaths, but they're just a part of the Whole Story.  What it boils down to is that my dysfunctional childhood experiences created what could possibly have remained a "Terminal Victim."

My personal path of recovery is making a turn in the road - a turn into actual healing.  This is the part of recovery that I've been so anxious to arrive to.  The purging of the traumas, the pain, the degradation, and the defeat are generally over - of course, that's not to say that I won't have my occasional meltdown or fall into funk, but I can finally speak about my experiences without my vocal tone rising up an octave, my heart and respiration rates increasing to a rapid and ragged rate, and my speech, itself, moving into the telltale stacatto of "being there in the trauma" instead of relating a story that is in the past.  It's moved beyond that, and I am so very, very grateful for all that I've experienced because I would certianly still be the codependent doormat that I was before this journey finally began.

One thing that I've learned about recovery from any trauma, injury, or condition is that it is a journey, not a destination.  I recently heard an advertisement on the television that was about what appeared to be a very posh and upscale rehab facililty where the actor said (and, I quote), "I was an addict for ten years, and now I'm not."  I only saw that ad a few times, but each time I wanted to throw a brick through the television because there is no final cure for any trauma, addiction, or medical condition.  It's not guaranteed, under any circumstances, and to suggest that the quoted assertion is true is a travesty, a the very least.

I spent over half a century being a codependent doormat because that was how I was raised to be.  The dysfunction of alcoholism, neglect, and abuse created "A Perfect Victim."  The only other outcome would have been for me to develop into "A Perfect Abuser."  And, this is a sad fact.  I don't care how many people insist that someone can "make it out" of a long-term childhood trauma without having deep, deep damages and personal issues, they are dead wrong.  There are  high-funcitoning survivors that appear to have their shit together, but deep inside, they are ingrained faulty beliefs, false facts, and a climate of secrecy and deception that cannot be undone without tremendous personal work and effort.

Recovery is what begins after a crisis is identified and work begins.  This process is painful and very, very challenging.  Recovery requires the purging of traumas, experiences, pain, and all of the other negative responses to trauma that human beings experience.  It's long.  It's challenging.  And, it's scary, at the very least.  For me, personally, I truly believed that bringing up past traumas would be a fatal exercise - literally.  I believed that processing the Old Pains would kill me.  They didn't. 

When I purged out the old traumas and allowed myself to feel the Old Pains, it left space for positive things to replace the spaces that were left.  Holy mackerel, this was the most unfamiliar territory that I had ever been in.  If I had been dropped in the middle of the Mojave Desert, I would have been far more able to deal with that than feeling healthy and affirmative things.  Not only was I able to feel positive and "real" truths, but my spirit (soul, whatever) was fanned back into a flame from the dying ember that it was.  Life had become precious instead of a daily drudgery that made no sense.

Still, I have days when I don't feel worthy or deserving of living a life of that is content, calm, and healthy, but it passes more quickly than it once did.  At one time, that feeling would last for weeks.  Now, it only lasts for a day, sometimes more, but time passes, the journey continues, and those events become fewer and shorter in duration.  The spirit - MY spirit - did not die, was not murdered, and is alive and well.  And, my spirit is strong, recovering, and healing.  This means that care and concern for the physical body follows. I am, indeed, worthy of care and concern for myself, even if no others do care about me or my well-being.  That core of neediness was created as a result of the childhood traumas - period - and it happens to anyone (and, everyone) who experiences long-term trauma.  I honestly believed that I needed the approval, acceptance, validation, and concern of other people in order to be a Real Person, and that simply is not true.  It is     not     true.

So, for all of those out there who are sick in mind, body, and spirit because of long-term trauma or family dysfunction, this is the one fact that you can take to the bank:  no protocol, supplement, guru, or wish is going to cause a "cure."  There's only recovery and healing by way of a mind-body-spirit effort.  And, the best way to facilitate this is to seek strong counseling therapy from a licensed practitioner that has extensive experience in "trauma" work.  Trauma work is different from other work because it involves the unraveling of a lifetime of catastrophic thinking, flawed beliefs, self-loathing, fear-based decision-making, and self harm.  There is no easy way to accomplish this recovery ahd healing process.  There is no pill, no magic wand, no lighning bolt, no Divine Intervention, or any other sudden event that will undo a lifetime of damage.

Today, it's okay.  I'm okay.  The world is okay.  Are there still bad people out there?  You bet there are.  Are there still human predators that seek to destroy others using their precious vulnerabilities?  Absolutely.  Will there ever be a time in human evolution or history when hatred, deception, betrayal, and abuse do not play a factor in our culture?  Sadly, no.  But, what recovery and healing provides for me is a very safe and clear boundary that nobody is allowed to cross - man, woman, child...........this is my castle where my soul resides, and nobody is allowed access.

There is recovery.  There is healing.  There is hope.

Anyone who is living in an abusive relationship, please, don't wait for "things to get better."  It will never, ever happen.  www.thehotline.com

Anyone who has someone in their lives who is either a convicted criminal or engages in activities that are harmful to them, walk away.  "Turning the other cheek" does not mean to continue turning a blind eye or excusing another person's very bad and dangerous behaviors.  www.familyarrested.com

Anyone who is unsure of whether or not they're involved in a toxic relationship - friendship, coworker, lover, spouse, spiritual advisor, family member - but, they feel fearful, as if they're nuts, as if they are deserving of ridicule and humiliation, you're not.  Sadly, there are some creatures out there that walk, talk, eat, sleep, work, and eliminate just like other human beings, but they are predators that use, abuse, and discard other people for myriad purposes of their own.  www.180rule.com

Mind, body, spirit..........they are each a component of a whole organism - a human being.  Recovery and healing happens.  I promise, it does.

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