day 2

Date:   7/23/2014 12:21:30 AM ( 10 y ago)

Experience
Really uncomfortable today. Skin is very dry. I feel weak. Menstrual flow was greatly reduced and ended early.

Thoughts
“When written in Chinese, the word “crisis” is composed of two characters-one represents danger, the other represents opportunity.”
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I have been through more crises in my "crisis years" than some would in a lifetime and the greatest lesson I have learnt is that the major determining factor to one's success in overcoming an obstacle is self-trust. Self-trust is not just self-belief but also the ability to shut out all unduly harsh criticism and stick to one's guns. Today, I realized I have finally developed a strong enough a self-trust and this gives me greater faith in myself, including my chances of succeeding at my water fast.

I have a complicated past which I would not recommend to anyone. It is often hard to speak about it because it is often perceived as a crass and unfilial blasphemy to admit that the biggest bane of one's life is one's selfish, suffocating, irresponsible and abusive parents. Today, a minor argument with my mother reminded me of how poorly she thinks of me, in spite of my successes in life, and how readily she shirks responsibility of her abuse several years back, a condition that has shaped my life in more ways than one. For a sensitive girl like me, I was able to, for the first time, to parse her cruel statements as an attempt to attack me personally in order to send me on a guilt trip. I did not acknowledge her unkindness, not out of blatant defiance but a discerning awareness that her caustic assessment of me was false. Somewhere deep down, I felt my insides develop a protective steeliness. I had grown up.

This fast means a lot to me. Moving to London after this fast is significantly meaningful too. I have been too strong for too long. As a result of having to take care of myself since I was a child and continually endure the distorted image my parents had pushed onto me and the stresses of a highly competitive "elite" environment, I allowed my health to fail and regrets to transpire. Never again. Life is too short and I have a future that is wildly promising. My only job is to not f*** it up. I am bidding adieu to my past soon by starting a brand new life with the fulfillment of a wonderful professional dream in a scarily lovely new city and chasing love like a teenager all over again. I am acutely aware that my emotional transformation can only be complete with a physical one. So have a massive dose of self-trust and may the sky be the limit!

i wished I had more loving parents but that is ok. I wished I had more smooth-sailing younger years but that is ok. Life has been admittedly tough but it is ok because I am tougher. I am a better, kinder and stronger girl because of my past crises. I look ahead with a confident smile. What awaits will be something between a dream and a miracle.



 

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