decisions of a cancer patient by Stillhere .....

Cancer patients personal questions about dying, feeling responsible for having disease, and sexual limitations.

Date:   7/7/2014 2:35:20 PM ( 7 y ago)

Iíve burned through 144 days of short term disability, how the heck did that many days go buy already? You would think that given my prognosis I would be well into a chosen alternative cancer cure protocol. I can provide the excuse that there is so much information out there, and so many different protocols I still have not finished all of the necessary research. I like that excuse.
In the back of my mind, stirring and trying to remain unspoken (or written) is ďDo I want to die?Ē Have I made an unconscious choice or decision to die? I do believe that we create our own existence and experiences through our thoughts, words, and fears. I know that I have thought about the horror of someone in my family (children, grandchildren, spouse) having cancer. I remember one time thinking about it and praying to God to spare us. I also remember consciously thinking that I would gladly accept the burden of cancer if it would mean that no one else in my family would have to experience it. Duh! Unfortunately I didnít think about the pain the rest of the family would still experience if I had cancer. Cancer is a bad deal all the way around.
I have the coolest family ever! They are all kind, loving, thoughtful, and have the most interesting and twisted senses of humor. We are fortunate that we all love each other regardless of our differences in beliefs and life choices. We donít lie to one another or keep secrets about what is going on in our lives. I donít like drama and when I have bad feelings or sense bad feelings I have to clear the air right away. It is crucial to communicate as soon as possible about bad feelings, anger, slights, or fears. Most of the time a simple difference in perception has taken place Ė a word or statement is perceived differently leading to a defensive reaction, retaliation happens, and the seeds of discontent are sown. The sooner the situation is addressed the easier it is to find the (almost always) unintentional or miscommunicated slur. Anyway the point is that I love them so very deeply. I cherish them. I admire them. They bring me great joy. I even love my brothers and sisters and love my in laws! You know I probably would love you too if I knew you.
This disease is mine but it has imprisoned my husband as well and that breaks my heart. The medical treatment program that I am on (Votrient), to reduce the size of the innumerable kidney cancer tumors in my lungs, is so toxic that my body fluids are toxic to others (my tears and saliva are not dangerous so I can still kiss and love my children and grandchildren). However, my blood, urine, feces, and vaginal fluids are toxic. Think no oral sex and wearing a rubber during intercourse. Think Ė my cancer is incurable but controllable as long as I continue to take toxic treatments such as Votrient. We are in our late 50ís with a life expectancy of 80 to 90 years. Is this fair to my husband? Would it be better for him if I died and he had the opportunity to live his remaining years in a normal loving relationship (sex included)? My daughter suggested using plastic wrap during oral sex! Maybe it struck us so funny because of her mime of doing it! Priceless.
These are things to consider that I am not comfortable discussing with my husband and family. They donít want me to die. They want me to be here to share the joys of their lives and their childrenís lives. They love me. They need me. I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not afraid to die or totally opposed to the idea. Does that mean I am suicidal? Does that mean that I have finished what I need to accomplish here? Does that mean that I need to find my true purpose and embrace it? Maybe I need a cause?
Do I go back to work and throw myself into making it a better place? Do I cash in my life insurance policy and pay off my house and make investments that will allow my husband to live the same lifestyle without me? That will allow us to prepare in case I would die. At least it would give me some control of the future. Crap so many questions and I have so much to do before I can contemplate answering them.
1. Create a return to work plan with times that will build up to the normal 50 hour work week and get it signed by my doctor and my management.
2. Find out about cashing out my life insurance plans
3. Square away state tax errors they made - liens (jerks)
4. Decide of alternative medicine cancer cure protocol
5. Develop meal plans that meet nutritional requirements & necessary supplements
6. Drink more water
7. Sit down with one daughter to discuss concerns
8. Meet with brothers and sisters to discuss care for parents (that live with us)


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