I guess you can't really compare

Date:   4/17/2014 8:04:47 PM ( 10 y ago)

I just finished watching a movie. It took me the entire day to get through it - I kept pausing it when I would get flooded with emotions. It's called "Now is Good", and it's about a young girl with terminal cancer in her last months. She has sort of a bucket list, but it's full of rebellious teenager activities like "Break the Law" and "Try Drugs" and "Have Sex". She falls in love with a boy who has just dealt with death recently, and the film does a decent depiction of the struggles from all people involved in the life of someone who is actively dying.
I tend to live so powerfully that most people either don't know or totally forget that I could get very sick if I'm not careful. I prefer it that way - I want to vomit when people start looking at me like a dying puppy, which almost never happens anymore. But sometimes I wonder if I avoid it TOO much, when the truth is that I really do not handle stress very well, and when everyone is treating me normally, that means that I am taking care of a lot of people and dealing with their dramas. I put a lot of effort into keeping stress out of my life as much as possible. And who can really know but me what is going to stress me out? I live with a girl who seems sweet on the outside but I don't totally trust her, and she talks CONSTANTLY. Like there is very little peace when she is around. And she is always around. I've gotten friendly with my headphones, though. There are always ways. And I am taking the opportunity to look at myself, and why her personality bothers me so much. Because I need to build tolerance, and I strive to have an inner peace that cannot be disturbed. Without headphones.
The movie really brought some emotions to surface. Questions.
Am I being horribly selfish to refuse the HIV medications? I was so very, very sick once, and many people suffered because of it. I do NOT want to put my boyfriend through that. I don't ever want him to see me weak or sick. I don't want to look in his eyes and see pain or fear, especially if it was my illness that put them there. I know my psychic said that I have twenty years. Dear God, I hope that is true. If it's possible, I'd like to disappear into another country when I start to get sick. All anyone will know is that I am in India somewhere, or wherever. There can always be the possibility that I am still alive.
I've known so many people in my life that have just disappeared, and I've never had to grieve over them. And the people who I know who have definitely died are the same in my heart. It just feels like they are still out there somewhere. I want that sense of peace for the people who love me, too. No one has to know for sure.
I'm not scared to die. I'm terrified to watch the people I love fall apart because of my own selfishness, or carelessness. I won't have it. Basically the length of my relationship with my boyfriend is directly related to how well I take care of myself now. I can't see any other reason we would end it.
Now that I am off the meds, HIV is like a weed in my body. I have to pull it out every day, or it gets a little out of control. It's always there, and I don't know how deep I have to go to uproot it. I haven't figured that out yet. There are just so many already, I really have to be diligent. I can't slip up even for a day, or it gets stronger. I'm not projecting that. It's the truth. I don't WANT it to be true, but it f***ing is.
I wish I had another person to talk to about this. I feel like I dump too much on my boyfriend already. I guess this blog is all I have.
OK, I don't want to end this on a self-pitying note. My life is as good, healthy, and peaceful as I want it to be. Yes, I have to work for it. There is no reason that I shouldn't! I really need to stop watching these sappy movies. My life is way more entertaining and full of laughter and joy. I just need to be present.

 

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