Banking on the Future

Date:   3/29/2014 10:02:15 AM ( 10 y ago)

It is Saturday morning, March 29, 2014
7:56 am. I had a terrific nightmare during the night.

I was on my way to a sporting event with a group in a foreign country.

We stopped and were staying at an inn in one room.

I was feeling good about being in the group. The bus was leaving
to go to the track meet.

I was talking and speaking and very excited.

Then I realized that I only had one shoe on. I started to look around for the other shoe and while I was looking I missed the bus!

I am not sure i found my other shoe.

I was left behind.

The people at the inn where we were staying were very busy.

I was uncomfortable attempting to figure out how to get back on track and make it to the event.

The people on the bus may have realized that I was left behind, but likely they did not realize I was off the bus.

The dream made me feel very uncomfortable.


THIS DREAM WHILE SEMI AWAKE IS NOTHING IN COMPARISON TO THE STRESS I AM FEELING

There is a potential nightmare that is really stressing me out. It is a living nightmare.

I have been going through an ordeal for a couple months to fill a vacancy at our house.

I set aside this process to go to the Natural Product Expo West.

My spirit said, go to the expo. Exercise your skills. Earn some funds. Then come home and continue the process of seeking a housemate.

I did that. This strategy worked to some extent. I learned some funds.

Three checks came in, a couple during the last few days for $100.00 each.

The idea was that I would have some funds for emergency use to cover the vacancy,


THE LAST TWO EXPERIENCES SEEKING TO FILL THE VACANCY hAVE BEEN VERY STRESSFUL

The last two experiences seeking to fill the vacancy have been very stressful.

I spent Friday and Saturday of last weekend putting immense energy into a young lady who wanted to move in. Then, finally, after interviews and making friends with her mom, as well as building dreams together and planting seeds, She said she would go home and return a few hours later with her check. She never showed up.

This brought up a range of emotions including feeling let down, and some kind of abandonment that goes back to my childhood. There was also grief that related to the death of my mother when I was a child--feelings of being left behind, and other deep emotions.

Then, later in the week, another, ever more compelling young lady came for an interview.

Both of these young women wanted to live in community.

The second one, committed to move in, but she did not have the money.
We made an arrangement for her to show up with her check Friday, yesterday.
She was to receive her paycheck yesterday. It turned out that her boss did not show up at work and did not give her the paycheck.

I was counting on this paycheck for peace of mind.

She was going to bring some boxes over yesterday as well to store, even though her room is not ready. I thought it would have been ready.

She has a job but she is spending the weekend looking for work in this area closer to our home.

There is a great element of trust being asked of me.

I have to believe in her.

I was not able to be present with Nadine last night because I was preoccupied with the stress.

There are numbers of days between today when she last said she will come over to bring the check.

She is positive.

I broke my rules my extending my trust to her and renting the room even though she did not have money.

Now I have the deep emotional issues to deal with.

What do I do? I want this housemate. She is like banking on the future.

She is a crossing of the line into dreams that would be good for this property,
and yet I have caused myself the stress by accepting someone who did not have the funds on hand to secure the room.

I do not want to begin again the housemate process.

I need to wait until the first likely to receive the funds.

What am I to do with my time between then and now?


Last night I started to clear one drawer of old mail. I put rubber bands around some back statements.

I owe myself time to clear my space of neglect and clutter.

There is new wine wanting to come in. How do I work with my clutter during these days?

Am I ready to meet the future here?

Is it time to surrender to the breaks and weakness inside me and find another way to meet my own future without the birder of the house?

Could I trust this youth and what it asks now to come here?

I feel some resolve to use this time to go through old papers.


Can I invite her over to plant seeds and do some gardening today?




8:24 am
Saturday March 29, 2014




12:58 pm
Saturday March 29, 2014

I have been going through papers related to old bank statements and tossing out mail that I never looked through.

I am having a strange sensation of gratitude.

There is little relationship between the Financial Records I see here and the live I have lived.

I feel divorced and separate from the world that many people know.

It is by grace that I have been allowed to live in this house and on this land.

I am not sure how I would extricate myself from this place.

I am going to rest now, call an old friend, and do another box.

I would like to hear how the new youth is doing. I put in a call.
She is looking for work locally.

It will be by grace if we all are allowed to continue this experiment in cooperative living.

I want to continue to go through the stagnation in my room.

Others here need to do the same. It is the price of living so long in one place. I can't carry others. I can hardly carry myself. I am so grateful that I have done so much in my life.

1:03 pm

 

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