Building boundaries and recognizing toxic people

Date:   10/10/2013 8:19:25 AM ( 11 y ago)

So, I was recently involved in a discussion about "acceptance" that sparked a lot of insight and some great metaphors where the disordered are concerned. I wanted to share this in case anyone reading might still be wrangling with indisputable evidence that they're involved with a toxic individual.

First of all, what IS a "toxic" person? Many, many books and articles have discussed this, at great length. To put it in as much of a nutshell as I can, a "toxic" person is someone who is unhealthy to us. Whether it's emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or financially, a "toxic" person drains us, leaves us feeling confused or bewildered, creates disharmony, and doesn't necessarily have a nefarious agenda - they're just toxic.

We wouldn't deliberately drink bleach, or ingest flouride, or copious amounts of sugar, right? Well, some of us might, but generally speaking, we know to avoid doing these things because they could result in serious damage. Why, then, are we so willing to surround ourselves with toxins in the form of human beings?

There is no reason or excuse that is reasonable enough to allow toxic people past our personal boundaries. There just isn't. "Well, Soulful, what if I married a toxic person?" or, "What if my offspring is toxic?" The first and foremost step to take when we believe that we're "stuck" in a toxic relationship or association is to reach a point of "acceptance" that we cannot - can NOT - "make things better," help, or correct whatever makes the person toxic.

Having typed that, I'm speaking from a pragmatic and sensible place where I will not tolerate toxicity from anyone - including my own offspring.

The analogy that I mentioned above was related as a friend who had a neighbor that had purchased a side of frozen beef. During a storm, the power went out and remained so for a couple of days. By that time, the meat had thawed and gone rancid. My friend received a desperate phone call after power was restored, and the neighbor was literally begging for advice on how to save the beef that had spoiled. Well, the answer was that nothing could stop it, and that the meat was utterly ruined. There was no vinegar bath or brine soak that would restore the meat to an edible state - it had gone over, spoiled, was rotten, and had gone rancid.

As I work through my healing and recovery, I've learned about serious core-issues and beliefs that were so ingrained that I not only tolerated toxic people in my life, but actually CHOSE them as friends, companions, and spouses. These core-issues were formed through childhood trauma and the dynamics of family dysfunction. "Healing The Shame That Binds You," by Bradshaw, was The Pivotal information that I needed to connect the dots as to why I was always finding myself surrounded by toxic and thoroughly disordered people. I've written about this, before, and at great length in previous entries.

Getting back to the analogy of rotten meat, "acceptance" is that point when I can "smell" the decay, acknowledge that I cannot do anything to "save" my investment, and that I may regret the loss, but I toss out the meat because consuming it or feeding it to others will result in food poisoning. Period.

Some of the indications of a toxic person might be:
* feeling drained when spending time with them
* feeling confused or depressed when spending time with them
* feeling compelled to defend or explain yourself
* feeling dismissed or invalidated
* experiencing minimization of your feelings or traumas
* feeling compelled to "save" or "fix" the person's situation financially, emotionally, physically, etc.
* feeling that your trust has been violated - that you have been lied to or defrauded, in some way
* experiencing gaslighting, or crazy-making behavior: i.e., the person gives you two handbags or t-shirts, you wear one of them, and they demand to know why you chose the one that you did

Just because a person is toxic doesn't necessarily mean that they are disordered, but toxicity creates physical and emotional upheaval that can actually cause chronic, physical maladies.

Setting firm boundaries is the sure-fire way to prevent a toxic person from draining you of your resources - physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially, or in any other way. This includes our own offspring and those that we are bound to by legal contracts of marriage. Arguing your point or view is not going to result in anything other than frustration - a toxic person doesn't want to learn, heal, teach, or grow. A toxic person wants everyone else to be as miserable as they are. Period.

This also includes coworkers and business associates - the is a way to conduct business without "feeling" that one has to "play the game" to get through the day. "Playing the game" never ends well.

Boundary construction and maintenance consists of the following:
* watch, listen, and observe BEFORE offering any personal history, opinions, beliefs or views
* avoid unloading personal trauma history - trauma is, above all events, formative in core-beliefs and vulnerabilities that could be exploited
* validate yourself, always - trust your gut instincts and do not allow yourself to feel the need to be "liked" or "accepted" or "approved of" by any other human being
* don't allow pity or hyper-empathy to determine what it is that you are observing - separate the emotions from the facts
* base your choices and decisions upon available facts rather than fear
* do not accept OR provide excuses for bad behaviors: i.e., "That's just the way he/she is"
* beware of sob stories and one-upmanship: i.e., "I just twisted my ankle," toxic person says, "My back is so sore that I can't walk to my car"
* realize that you always have options whether or not they are pleasant or painless
* go "No Contact" with toxic people

If there is childhood trauma, especially, or dysfunctional family dynamics, seek the help of a trained professional therapist. This simple step can begin a journey that is not only healing, but profoundly enlightening.

Domestic violence and abuse are deal-breakers. At no point will it ever, ever, EVER "get better." If you are in an abusive relationship, GET OUT, and get out, safely. An environment of domestic violence and/or abuse creates a cycle that can only be broken by the VICTIM. http://www.thehotline.org


If I had healed myself and recovered from my childhood traumas, it is quite possible and likely that I would never have allowed myself to trust two extremely disordered people. Today, my boundaries are under construction, maintained, and firm. I don't need approval or acceptance of any other human being, anymore, and I can walk away from a toxic person without feeling anger or resentment. And, I cannot describe how personally powerful this can be.

If someone's behaviors "smell," then they are as toxic as any rancid meat and they're out.

familyarrested.com
180rule.com
thehotline.org

 

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