Sunday, note

Date:   7/21/2013 11:55:13 AM ( 11 y ago)

July 21, 2013
9:53 am

THIS IS FROM AN EMAIL I JUST ANSWERED

I wish a had a better report.




I am not O.K.

Very depressed.

I have been preparing to go to the National Heirloom Expo in September during the Days of Awe.

Not sure how I would get there.

I feel very limited in what I want to do.

I finished the paper work to teach but have been holding back sending it in, although it is overdue.

I had a kidney stone removed through an what felt like an invasive procedure that made it necessary to take narcotics.

I took narcotics for 16 days.

Now there is a nerve in my jaw from grinding at night or that fired off a few days ago with severe pain.

I really question my will to want to live.

Sorry to say that.

I do not make a good candidate for being 65, my age now.

The spirit still lights up, but the mind takes me is many directions,
and the body seems to be not allowing me to do what I want to do.
The depression does not make me want to get out of bed this morning.


I do not feel I have what it takes to clean up years of mess, and no desire, although
it brothers me a lot.

I have worked very hard to prepare materials, I went to an event yesterday, a potluck
of my local food community. I could have showed the work to a few people that were there
that I like, but it did not even dawn on me to do that until I realized I could have helped myself
my doing that.

I was thinking morbid thoughts during that event, and was only able to reach out to a couple
people, but that felt good to connect and have them interact with me.


I am not the same person that moves things, and sparks inspiration.

To go to the National Heirloom Expo holds feelings of life for me.

I am expected to teach there, but how do I get my props there?

I drove up there last year. I am not sure I trust my ability to drive up this year.

My body as well gets uncomfortable feelings when I drive in my legs,
unless I take a natural pain reliever and that also stimulates me.
I am dependent on that to release my energy. I do not like that state of being.


I have raised some money for the trip, but not sure how much confidence I have to raise what I really need.
Maybe what I have is enough.

I might fly up.

What do I need?

What would make me feel better?

Probably some big YES's on the work.


WROTE THIS YESTERDAY

http://plantyourdream.net/?p=16505



HERE IS THE TEACHING BLURBS
http://plantyourdream.net/?p=16428


When I look at these it makes me feel good, as if I have accomplished something.
The energy feels bright, and then I feel a little tingle in my legs at the same time
for sitting too much likely.

Thank you for all the love and connection you have shared with me over the years.

I hope I can see a brighter day and find a way through all these feelings.

Things could be much worse, and better.

Love,
Leslie



 

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