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Date:   7/15/2012 5:31:44 PM ( 12 y ago)

Okay, resuming my life from the blip of a physical and emotional breakdown of sorts. It came from being 450. short on my bills every month and it is still that way. What am I going to do? I don't know. I don't want to be depleted again. I will lose it all if I do.

So, I have to work 6 days a week no matter what at my job. I have to take two classes each semester. This coming semester that means 4 nights a week. Two of those nights I will get home by 7:30, thankfully. It is already looking like no change when I promised my bosses change. Do I drop school? Is that what I do? Am I damned to make $12.85 an hour as a middle-aged woman? I cannot be. I need more.

How? How can I do this? Be raw vegan? Go to my meetings religiously? When will I have time for homework? My lunch break is 30 minutes. That's barely enough time to eat something I have to actually chew after I wash my hands, sit down and eat, then go back to brush my teeth and wash my hands again. There's no time for homework.

My commute is 45 minutes each way in good weather. I answered ads for room-mates last night on Craig's List. What shit. People with pets stating "No additional pets." My cat is my family and she's not negotiable.

I pray for rest, I pray for peace, I pray for courage, I pray for acceptance, I pray for strength, I pray for maturity.

My ex-husband was at the meeting today, speaking of maturity. Ugggghhh. What was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking? Dolt. Ponce. Worm. I WAS his better half, of that I am certain. He's sitting there with a pot-belly and a can of Coca-Cola. He looks exactly as he did the first time I laid eyes on him. He did NOT look that way in our marriage. It simply was not acceptable to be slovenly and lazy with one's body and self. We moved toward health. Now, he doesn't. He marinates in self-satisfaction and an attitude of entitlement. Good for him.

I am going to go for a run now. I don't feel like it. But that is okay. I have lost only 5 pounds in 3 months, but my body is shaping up very, very well. My delts, glutes, gastrocs, and quads are all showing a bit of definition. Not buff, not yet. If I keep going, maybe in another 3 months, who knows?

*hugs* to you for peace, prosperity, and self-knowledge.

 

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