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Date:   6/30/2012 8:20:29 AM ( 12 y ago)

A portion of what I wrote yesterday:

"So, a day of rest and my head is almost back on my shoulders. What will I commit to tonight? It's 5pm Eastern, 9pm bedtime. So - clean the kitchen, make the bed, take out the garbage, pick up the bathroom. Go for a 4 mile run dirt road run w/waterfalls, covered bridge, farm fields, and maple canopy over the road. Read just one chapter of Human Growth & Development. Then lights out.

I am going to run the mountain peak tomorrow morning. It's 4 miles and there will be no cars to run me over."

The word 'commit' has my attention. I said I would 'commit' and what I 'did' are two different things. I cannot use the word commit when I really mean 'plan' or 'try'. What I did get done were my dishes and the attendance to one of my home groups in AA.

I ran that mountain run this morning. It turned out to be 5 miles. It was awesome, really it was.

So, what is the 'plan' for today?
clean the kitchen
make the bed
take out the garbage
pick up the bathroom
read two chapters of HG&D
attendance at one of my homegroups
eat, eat, eat
grocery shop

Today makes day 3 of raw vegan. Feeling good.

I have not heard back from my boss. I will go to work on Monday and speak to her personally to confirm the dates before I take vacation.

I am so fearful that I am just too broken and just not good enough. I fear that I do so much damage when I am angry at my co-workers, friends, family, etc. that I am truly too far out to make it back.

I am angry all the time. I am angry the majority of the time. I am angry when I am exhausted and do not go to meetings. I am angry sometimes.

I am forgivable.

To forgive myself I have to tell myself over and over what my boss said, "I have mad-skills as an LNA." and "I have a job."

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of being fearful for my future. I am tired.

It is one foot in front of the other today, with gratitude.




 

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