My daily Journey to a healthier life style

Date:   3/23/2011 2:31:40 PM ( 13 y ago)

March 20, 2011

I didn't feel good at all, as I smelled and I had that “odd” feeling once again in my body that I didn't like.

I was very nervous to the point of crying, because I knew that Phil was going to be calling me. I went over to my best friend's house, because I had a feeling that I was going to be a mess afterwards and I needed some moral support. I had a feeling that Phil wasn't going to say anything nice or something that would hurt me. I should have known. We talked for a bit and then he went into how random people (that are not my friends as he told me) have been telling him things that I have said about him) I asked him again to tell me who they were and what they said. He wouldn't. He would just say that I really hurt him and he felt stabbed in the back. I told him that I never did anything to purposely hurt him because I. . . and I didn't say the rest, as I was so afraid to. He then told me that he would be spending anymore time with me, as he has been talking to someone for a couple weeks. He said he just wanted me to know. Then said he wanted to be honest with me, yet couldn't see that it hurt to me to know. I didn't want to know what he was doing with someone else. Then he went on to say that he would only be friends, as it seems all we can do is fight, and it doesn't work out.

So when I got off the phone, I felt like dead weight. I cried in my best friend's bedroom alone, so hurt. Part of me was so hurt and horrified that I hurt Phil, that I wanted to cut my tongue out so I couldn't say anything that could another person again. As I looked out the window, I thought about how badly I wanted to jump out of the window, and just end the emotional pain, as well as the achy pain I am having due to my water fasting. Yet I just sat there knowing that I was just searching for a way out of the pain, which was there. I felt really ill, that if I had anything in my stomach I would have vomited it up where I sat. It was just horrible. I just wanted someone to understand all the things I did for him and all the love I did have in my heart for him then and the little that is still left. I know that I am a fool for forgiving over and over again, and always trying to start a new with him. Part of me feels that I ruined what we once had and could have had.

I just really wish someone could come and wipe all the memories from my brain, as it is hard to wipe out the last year and half with him and his son living with me. Part of me doesn't even want to come home any more, because things remind me of better times now that are gone. It is a death in my heart.

I don't know if this feels more intense because I am fasting or not. All I do know is that crying caused me to get a really bad headache in the range of a migraine. I usually get them if I get really emotional and cry. I ended up going home around 9:30 p.m after watching a couple movies with Christy, to find myself crying on the way home. I laid awake until after 2:30 a.m. in pain, which didn't help from crying a bit more, as I was confused and hurt.

I felt really horrible both emotionally and physically. I really wanted to die.

I tried to talk to God a bit, but ended up each time crying which did me no good. I finally tried to sleep some, which Mekong laying on me. She was little comfort to me for some reason.

Welcome to another day and night of my living hell!

EXERICISE: walked 2.04 Miles,

WATER INTAKE: 30 ounces of water

WEIGHT: 118 pounds




 

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