My daily Journey to a healthier life style

Date:   3/10/2011 2:30:55 PM ( 13 y ago)

March 6, 2011

I didn't sleep well last night and I keep having dreams with Phil it in, which I couldn't remember the particulars of, other then they tore at my heart. I laid in bed off and on through out the day, reading and doing other things. I didn't do anything I probably should have been doing.

I really needed to do laundry, pick up my bedroom and do some dishes, but I didn't do that at all. My heart wasn't in it. I really didn't want to eat either, but I did any way. I guess to just do something. I was suppose to be starting my water fast, but nothing was normal or even planned today. I just felt horrible and I cried off and on. Mekong tried to cheer me up by rubbing up against my face and licking my cheek, but I still felt numb.

I didn't want to talk to anyone, yet part of me wanted to. I knew since Phil moved out, I have talked to Christy about particular things, but she would never say anything to Phil, even if she knew what he looked like. It made me afraid to even open my mouth to say anything to any one. I am not a spiteful person and I don't just say things to piss people off. If I said anything about Phil, it was warranted because he did it. Like he didn't help me pay bills or help with the up keep of the house i.e. Dishes, trash. He never spend time with me, as he was always playing pool. Those were truths, and I told both my good friends, Christy and Katie about it, because I was frustrated and hurt by his actions. As my friends, they listened and I complained a bit. It was how I coped with it.

I guess I was wrong.

Now, I am very leery about texting him or calling him. He doesn't think well of me, and that hurts me. Once again, I did something that made him mad at me again. I really don't know if I should call him on the 9th of March, which is his deceased daughter's birthday. It is a very lonely and depressing time for him, and I was going to let him know that my heart is with him, as I do every year. I remember the dates that are important to him, because he is important to me. But he doesn't see it that way, I guess.

I didn't want to talk to anyone that I didn't even call my Dad, when I told him that I would yesterday. I am sure he wouldn't miss my call much. I can always call him when I am feeling more up to it.

Just really struggling to get over this issue of the heart. At this rate, I will never be ready mentally for a water fast for the Lenten Season.

I only ate one meal during the day which was steamed veggies (broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, asparagus). I wasn't really hungry, but I think I ate just because it was more or less of an action to do, when it was hard to do anything at all. I can't say I have felt this horrible in a while. I really just want to curl up under a rock somewhere and forget that I even existed. After coming away from visiting him, being hopeful and happy, he ruined it making me feel like some hateful criminal that snitches on him.

The day was boring and uneventful, as I was weepy and my heart was numb. I even had a hard time talking to God about it. I feel ashamed because it felt as if I lied to Him, since I still went seeking Phil's company, after I told him I knew that Phil wasn't right for me. The sad thing is as well, I had planning on going to church, but since I felt so horrible, that I didn't even leave my house all day Sunday. I had planned on going to Christy's, after church, to visit for a while (since she got laid off and doesn't work 3rd shift anymore).

So much for trying.


EXERICISE: Unknown

WATER INTAKE: Less then 8 ounces

WEIGHT: 128 pounds


 

Popularity:   message viewed 1791 times
URL:   http://www.curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=1781986

<< Return to the standard message view