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Date:   1/31/2011 9:48:02 PM ( 13 y ago)

Feels good, feels right.

So much to grow through. Previous history snagging today's rewards. Gotta clear the air.

Ex#2 moved on. So, hanging on is like eating junk food. Against the laws of nature. Will kill me.

AlAnon meetings to push through my fantasy that I can be loved wholly by alcoholics who are not recovering from their diseased mind and body.

Blue-green algae on the way from Oregon. Let's see what they've got going for them. What will it do for me?

Tray of wheatgrass ordered and coming. Here in the sticks, it takes a couple of days and a few miles on the car.

Snow shoeing is perfect right now. Planning a trek for tomorrow that is approximately 5-6 miles. It's cold and snow is coming. Skiing on Wednesday and Thursday should be 'superb' Johnny said. He's a funny guy.

Afraid. What if G*d has a plan for me that disgusts me? Hmmm. So funny, I am. That's like saying organic, raw vegetables under ideal conditions will kill me. G*d's plan is perfect. I just have to get out of the way.

Bible study tomorrow night. Having trouble with that. Just want to run from people who seem so blemish-free. Just show up until they ask me not to anymore and I am not allowed to give them a reason to ask me not to. Seems simple, doesn't it? Almost the internally programmed right thing to think and do? Well, welcome to the mind of an alcoholic when they are in fear. We will say, think and do what will kill us - completely illogical creatures.

Been watching movies to escape my feelings.

Can't dance. Ordered a hip-hop exercise dvd and it's been in the wrapper for a month. Talk about holding bliss off at arm's length. I guess Ex#2 makes a lot more sense. Alcoholic mind in fear. Would rather rot in hell than move a muscle and leave self-destruction.

Will do laundry so I have something for the before and after shots they recommend. Geez.

Will wrap up cleaning up the past. Get the file together and make sure I have everything I need. That should be the first priority in my life right now.

I love with all that I am. I just don't love me.

Til now.

Never give up. Never surrender.

Now, for the inventory.

*goodnight*

*hugs*

 

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