I am feeling my human limits this morning.
I pain in my heart area expresses the fear
that ran through my body yesterday.
There was a point where I ran away from the house
to a meeting, simply so I could sit in
another energy. There were planning an upcomng
conference. I did not offer any suggestions.
When they people asked how I was, I was speechless.
This is quite unlike me.

Finally I borrowed a pen and began to write out
notes that I will transcribe this morning.

I have been living in an impossible circumstance
here at the house for many months.
Through the grace of fragmentation,
the ability to split off my life into pieces
I could make sense of the totality of what I face,
but in that moment of escape into the meeting
I wrote out all the aspects of what is happening here
at home.

In the game of chess that this is,
it looks like Checkmate.
I have lost the game here of cooperative living.

The best I might come out with is a story,
and through Grace my Life.

This morning, as I was feeling these feelings
of fear around my heart, I wondered if I have
the chemical makeup for this.

Gratefully, I was up very early this morning
writing out some clear emails regarding some of the
next steps.

When i feel this high fear level, I cannot think clearly.
Early in the morning, there is some order.

I am a person who is directed.
My inner authority come from a sense that
I am authored by higher forces.

My body may have been closer by choice
with the capacity to have falling and be broken.
This brokenness has given me the gift of getting
into some rare points of view.

Included are lying in a hospital bed with
lines of fluids going into my blood stream.
Mainly, again through Grace, I have mad moments
where a vitality bigger than my own have
pulsed through my veins.

Someplace inside, there is a space where
wisdom gathers. Maybe this is the place of my
higher self, a place where my soul and the experiences
I have had in the earth have created a body of knowledge
called wisdom, yet as well, there is this physical body.

Oh my physical body, I praise you!
I praise you for all the experiences you have given me
and the pains, the torments,
and the rising above experience.

It will make methodical action to get through this,
these next months.

This morning I had feelings that I did not have it in me
to do this.

I hear voices outside my door. They are in laughter.
I am not sure how much of this part of the
Rock Your Soul Opera they are noting.

GRACE

I obsess.
I was obsessing over a lost cord,
a cord to a some hand held video camera
that I am not using these days
I do not grasp how to clear the space inside,
as much as I have difficulty clearing the space inside my room.


FRESH START

What would Fresh Start mean to my life?

Can I thank this terrain and this room
I that has too much,
much too many things,
and simple take a few of my most precious
writings and move on?

Would it not be enough to spend time,
in a more ordered fashion, stealing away
moments, or weeks, or years,
to refine what I have done,
and let them go out?

WHAT WOULD THE PURPOSE BE

What would the purpose be in doing
releasing writings?
I live from the feedback others give me,
the precious love that returns from giving
service.

I am depleted.
I am near done.

I am grateful I have found the cord
to this video camera.
I have plugged it in,
and it is charging.


9:49 am
January 13, 2011

Morning Thoughts
after a very early morning time
of writing out direct emails.
I will need extreme courage to follow up
with the sending out of them.


AN OLD NOTE FROM WILLIAM SPEAR
HELPS ME NOW




 

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