My daily Journey to a healthier life style

Date:   12/20/2010 3:29:29 PM ( 14 y ago)

December 19, 2010

I woke up late. I took my time getting out of bed, as there was really nothing to get out of bed for. Lamareaux slept with me throughout the night on a pillow next to me. It was strangely comforting to wake up and see her curled up in a little ball next to me and sometimes her watching me. Mekong didn't sleep in my room. She did sit on my chest a while I was laying in bed, but she was more interested in licking/pulling her hair out while she was there. I will have to check her for fleas again or maybe it is a symptom of stress for her.

I tried to get some type of routine down in order to make my solitary-ness in my house normal. I made my tea, but I didn't drink a lot of it I only drank the tea in my 12 ounce travel mug and not any from my 18 ounce thermos. I found myself wandering from room to room, as if I wanting to do something, but I wasn't focused enough to remember what I was planning on doing, if anything when I got there.

I looked at myself really hard in the mirror and asked myself several question. What is wrong with me? Was it really me that caused all the disagreements/arguments with Phil. Was I really nag? Was I really as insensitive and cold, as Phil has said to me at times? I know that I can always explain myself or give excuses as Phil calls them, but I wonder if anyone can understand where my feelings or actions come from. I looked at myself and I saw a lot of my mother and a lot of my father as well. I am loud, boisterous when excited/ upset and moved emotionally by things like my mother, yet I am quiet, reserved and moved to do physical things when upset and/or angry like my father. I have learned since I was very small to hide my emotions well from people, especially when it might hurt me to reveal them. Phil said I seem cold at times, but I have explained to him before, if I feel threatened/unsafe/insecure I will calm up and show no emotion, because in the past, by crying or getting upset, the person just hurt me more with it. I don't know how many times Phil would say I was being dramatic or acting like my mother or over reacting when I would cry about something or get upset. So I started steeling myself emotionally to the true feelings I was having. I don't know how many times I cried in the shower to release the deep emotion I was having as well as so PJ wouldn't hear me. My mother is very emotional, so I have always tried to be not like her so much, and Phil knows how much it hurts me when he says that I am acting like my mother. It hurts so much, because I am “me” an I know that I am not perfect, but I can't help it that I am my mother's daughter.

I looked myself in the mirror and saw a very hurt person. A person that wanted to be loved as much as she loved. To be able to share her dreams, ideas and passions with someone. A person that wanted to feel important in a person's life. A person that could openly affectionate and feel secure and safe enough to share how she felt emotionally without worrying about seeming weak.

I could see how no one would want to date me. I could see how my steadfast ways to protect my heart would drive a person away unless they were patient and loving with me. I had dealt with emotionally and mentally abusive parents when I was younger, as well as I have had to be strong even thought I was insecure about things, especially regarding love and trust. I learned to do things myself without help, even though I desired help in my life. I would have loved for a man to step up in my life and help me. It is hard to explain. To feel that I could lay some of the physically, emotionally and mentally burdens on someone stronger. To be a women in a man's presence, instead of still playing the double roles, I have had to play by myself because I had to in order to support myself. It is so hard to explain. I could see where I didn't trust Phil with my heart anymore, because he hurt me so much over the months. I just wished I could have be brave enough to say “I am hurting and I just want to you to hold me close, because I know I am not perfect, but I just want to know that I am loved by you. That even in my flaws, that you can see good in me, wonderful qualities that make something beautiful in your eyes.” But then again, if I had it might not made a difference.

Trying to make a list of things that I love about myself, but it seems that every time I try to write something out I ended up crying.

I spend most of late morning preparing mini meals, such as bean stuffed cabbage rolls. I made 6 in all (three in each little casserole dish). I put a couple slices of eggplant, yellow squash and even a floret of broccoli in one, and a floret of cauliflower in the other. I topped it with a ¼ cup of tomato sauce and seasoned with Garlic and herbs. They are already to cook up and have for dinner in the next couple days.

I also prepared a mixed bean burgers. I used about a 1 ¼ of beans, as I was very new at doing this. I tasted the mixture before I put the egg in it and it wasn't bad at all. I put the ¼ of cup of beans after most of it was mashed up, so I could have a couple beans that were semi whole in the burger. I chilled it, as it was really like very thick muffin mix. LOL. Later in the day, I scooped some of it on some wax paper and formed three different burgers with my little mixture. I did put them in the freezer, as they were very gloopy. Maybe I will have one for dinner sometime this week.

I bought a 27 inch TV from Goodwill, so I set that up and all my additives (my VCR, my DVD, my Playstation 2 and my Wii). I can't say getting a new TV was a joy for me. I thought it would keep me busy, but I don't know how it did. It just added different noise to my quiet house other then using my stereo for music

I went over to my friend, Cecilia's house for a couple hours and got caught up with her house's politics: Baby Toby's new toys, the new Christmas tree and ornaments, slight bickering over what channel on cable to watch, etc. I really didn't want to go home, as it would be so quiet of human interaction. I really miss PJ's presence and being able to play a board game with him. When I got home, I put in a couple movies and tried to work on my blog a bit, but I couldn't stay focused. I ended up crying bit and wishing that Phil and PJ were walking in the house after being gone all day.

FOOD INTAKE:

BREAKFAST (around 10:30 a.m.) ½ cup of bean stew (65calories)

DRINK: 12 ounce of Oolong Tea (consumed over 4 hours)

SNACK: ( around 12:45 p.m.) A granny Smith apple (80 Calories)

LUNCH: NONE – I was not home most of the day and I didn't pack anything to eat with me

DRINK: NONE

SNACK: NONE

DINNER: (around 6:00 p.m.) One serving of steamed Salmon ( 275 calories) with a cup of steamed veggies (carrots, cauliflower, eggplant, yellow squash, broccoli) (approximately 80 calories) TOTAL 355

SNACK: (Around 9:25 p.m.) 5 roasted chestnuts ( 245calories )and a cup of steamed veggies(carrots and broccoli and snow pea pods) (approximately 60 calories) TOTAL 305 Calories

SNACK: (Around 11:30 p.m.) serving of Salmon (left over from dinner) (275 calories) and a boiled potato (144 calories) with butter (100 calories) and seasonings TOTAL 519 Calories

TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 1,324

EXERICISE: Walked 4.7 miles

WATER INTAKE: NONE

WEIGHT: 134 pounds




 

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