wish upon a star

Date:   6/10/2010 10:26:47 PM ( 14 y ago)

Did my morning response-journaling when I woke up. Threw together my salad and cleaned & steamed the broccoli. I felt sick, nauseas this afternoon after. It was actually almost 6pm. I had eaten salad by then as well. A huge wave of it.

I finished my salad at an AA meeting tonight. The topic was 'powerlessness'. This man shared that his nephew is using drugs, his sister had him arrested, and the nephew did not want to speak to the uncle.

Well, I heard a lot of 'you can't get a drunk sober' and 'nothing you can do' and 'when they ask for help then they'll get help'.

I shared that my brother is 50, 120 lbs. and is 5'11". I asked him if he wanted to get sober 15 years ago. I shared that this brother has two kids who are heroin addicts and the girl is a stripper. All true. My brother condones his only daughter's profession of stripping for money. Funny how I feel I have to quantify my family with the words 'all true'. I guess I feel like this is not real in a way, that this could not possibly be my family. It is. It damn near took me out at the knees learning all this. What's the use, I wondered.

I shared that rather than disown him, judge him, call him, them, her bad names - I can just love them. I can just be kind to them. What else is there? What if I'm the only example of sobriety they ever see? It is my responsibility to just love them and be kind. It is not my job to hang out with them for extended periods - they've never asked me to. But I do call when I think of my brother and tell him I love him. I tell him about my struggles, my findings, my life. I ask him about his. I just try to love him and love his kids. His daughter turned 22 yesterday. I went on Facebook and wished her a happy birthday - if I don't love them exactly as they are - when will I love anyone - myself even- exactly as they are. I can't catch alcoholism from them, I already have it. I can't catch 'stripper fever' like one day I'll suddenly think being a stripper is a good idea - I won't because I follow G*d's rules to the best of my ability and I actively seek Him daily. G*d's rules protect me as long as I follow them. The Big Book says we can go into the most sordid place if we are in fit spiritual condition. I pray that I DO NOT begin to ever think that I can battle alcoholism alone. Two or more, always on any 12 step call. ALWAYS.

Hah, and I struggle with food, the loss of my child, my divorce. In comparison I am not struggling at all as I am not addicted to heroin and living the lifestyle of a stripper. I love that girl and she must suffer, truly suffer. I will keep loving her.

So, that's my day. The salad really filled me up and I meditate on G*d's protection for my body with every bite. It doesn't guarantee that I won't get sick, but it does help the odds that I will enjoy good health. I'm beat.

I pick up my class syllabus and textbooks tomorrow. How exciting!!! I also pick up the $50 savings bond for the raffle - last prize to pick up. I have an appt. at the church to discuss religious beliefs with a pastor and a full day of work. I feed my boss' cats after work. How lucky am I? I miss my two Blue Point Siamese girls and one day I would like to get two more. Mya and Mei-Ling. They were precious. Mei-Ling never came home one day and as far as I know, my ex still has Mya. He got her, the kids, the house, and a lot more in the divorce. I got me. For the first time in my life since Trace died, I truly have me, I have G*d, I have true love and the possibility of long-term peace.

Everything for a reason.

Tomorrow for breakfast? Hmmmm. I have some strawberries left. I have to hit the market - SOON.

Good night.

Wish upon a star - it couldn't hurt.

 

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