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Date:   5/28/2010 12:20:26 AM ( 14 y ago)

Mental, emotional, physical. I have four days of glorious nothing that lie ahead for me. No stress, no sales, no forced marches. Embracing that it's always now. Always.

So much has stayed the same for me. Limbo time. As though I stand in the doorway poised to jump forward into my life as the wheels turn forward. Only nothing is turning forward at the moment and the pretty coloured balls are still in the air. Like any good juggler none of them have hit the ground, and won't. BUT. I am ready for whatever is next.

No word on the job. They are still deciding. I am up and down and back and forth about it. Why? It's a landslide of money, none of which would be commission (straight insane salary) so you'd think I'd be doing backflips. Just not sure I want to continue in this field. I am always "on." My customers can call me any day of the week and every manager in the company blows smoke up my arse so I don't quit. I still have fun though. Love to make them laugh and, truth be told, I do enjoy that little frisson of excitement when there are sales deadlines. Moot. All of it. No offer has been made as yet.

As for J? Nine years together. Polar opposites. Honestly, I can't remember the last time we were physically intimate although I can tell you that it's been three years since we've kissed passionately. I was going to stay with him until he found out what was wrong with him physically. And it occured to me that he will never find out because there is nothing wrong.

So, loads of life decisions ahead. Including whether or not I stay in Los Angeles or move back to northern California where people's sensibilities are more in line with mine and I actually feel at home there and in my own skin.

I wouldn't call it a juice fast but I am going to simplify my foods for a month, or so. One week of just veggie juices and then a segue into veggies, fruit, eggs and fish. And a freakin' heaping dose of clarity.

Something's got to give.

 

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