action

Date:   4/14/2010 3:54:13 PM ( 14 y ago)

I say that I am ‘fighting for my life’. What actions have I taken today?

I stayed in bed until the last second.
I had chocolate milk for breakfast.
No lunch and no dinner.
Left work early, said I was sick.
Cancelled all my evening meetings.
Wrote revenge email I never sent to my ex-husband.
Sat next to the river for two hours trying to blot out my feelings of dread.

So, where’s the fight? It’s more like ‘running from feelings’ and ‘pretending feelings don’t exist’.
It’s not paying the bills.
It’s not filing taxes.
It’s not cleaning the house.
It’s not staying in work.
It’s not going for a bike ride.
It’s not preparing nutritious food I have in the fridge.
It’s not reading the Big Book and doing an inventory.

I will do these things beginning now:

File taxes.
Plan bill payments.
Go for a bike ride on the recreational path while it's light.
Clean the house – kitchen and floor, bath and living room.
Prepare the food I have for tomorrow.
Iron an outfit for tomorrow.
Pluck my eyebrows and give myself a manicure.
Do an inventory and call my sponsor.

It’s 4:54 pm. I can call my ex-husband and tell him I love him/hate him after I’ve done all these things.
I can decide if it's all worth living for then.

 

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