just breath

Date:   2/25/2010 12:55:39 PM ( 14 y ago)

...I was positively sinking. The despair was all around me and I hadn't felt like I could dig out but knew somehow I just absolutely had to trust and take an action. It was like a fog and I could only see 2 foot steps in front of me. It's not like a clear day when we truly see everything all around.

Today is similar so I'm taking an inventory. Get honest with myself.

Got the grooming thing down - teeth, face, hair, makeup.

Lacking the early morning routine. Just don't want to get up but it's moments like this that I HAVE to just get the routine down. My night routine is SO MUCH EASIER. Easy. That's the problem. I am not digging in to the difficult task and this is where my chops will get muscle. This is where the power comes from.

JUST DO IT?

Okay. This blog posts one hour ahead, behind? Anyway, I'm Eastern time. So, time to get serious and throw down a challenge. 6:00am wake up, 10:00pm bed time. Try it. One week. Just f****** try it.

People think I'm whacked and I really am. Just do it. I need to stop choosing to be broken. BROKEN IS A CHOICE.

I am not able to feel God right now, I am not able to feel the peace, cannot imagine wings, nothing. I need to get more serious about this.

I've come so far in 27 days. I look better, I feel better, I am getting better. I need to step it up. Just for me. Just for my life with God. If I can't feel God, can He really use me for His purpose? I can hardly see how. I just don't know.

Okay. 6am wake up. 10pm bed time. The regular inventories and readings are going to have to come. I'm beginning to drop off and I cannot afford to. I cannot afford to drop off.

I've begged and pleaded. Now I just need to cooperate.

I feel a little better. I am scared. But I am living the worst case scenario - what do I need to be afraid of?

Hold my hand, God. I'm just plain scared. I pray for courage to change. I pray for the ability to live one breath at a time.

 

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