Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up. (chinese proverb)

Date:   4/28/2009 12:16:32 PM ( 15 y ago)

I have lost him, I have lost myself, lost contact. What happened, when did it happen? I was following, then I started leading= deciding that I could eat more even after it was not necessary, then, as always, I will tend to indulge more and more simply because I have just lost that perfectly satisfied, content feeling that only comes when I just give myself what I need when I need it (so little it amazes me) and I look for it again by giving myself more pleasure. But pleasure without the call for it, the need for it only numbs, blinds, deafens me, drowns me in unconciousness and fog. It's true. I sound like I desaprove of pleasure, no, I am not judging, debating for or against pleasure,all that is irrelevant. I am simply relating what is happening with me. By the way, I don't feel that I am satisfied by food, only when I am really, truly called to it, and that lasts ever so little, like food is not anything by itself, it's just a tiny but essential servant of god, collaborator to god's work as we all are, tiny but essential god's helpers. Food is a real poison when it is not absolutely needed, we are poison when trying to lead. But we are loved all the same. I feel patiently loved, immensely.
I am called to water fast again. I may find that I must go for 40 days in order transport myself more efficiently to a place beyond certain temptations. We'll see.

 

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