Remembering Dark Days by mariposa azul .....

strength in remembering

Date:   1/30/2009 8:34:52 PM ( 13 y ago)

As I went about my day today, I kept thinking of all the time that I've wasted.
As a bulimic, you are consumed by food...how much am I gonna eat? when will I be alone to have a good time & eat all of my goodies? when will i go to the store to purchase...? what do I have at home that's good? or I can't wait to make...? or jeez the list just goes on and on.....time wasted.
or the time that's been wasted on the actual binge/purge.
or the time that's been wasted when I could have been more with my children?
or the time wasted where I could have been with husband, family, friends? or for books, hobbies, excersise, or new things that I have always wanted to try out?
It is important that I feel it as it actually was.
A waste. Time I cheated myself out of.

I think it is important for me to acknowledge this truth.
As sad as it sounds. It is what it is. I can't get that time back. But Hell, I am moving forward!!!!! I feel empowered to be what I was meant to be in life.

If anyone asks me how I am doing it??? All I can say is that I want to LIVE!
I felt I was truly going to die if I didn't do something about my bulima.
For the past few years....I wanted to stop SOOOOO BAD. I felt I would die of a heart attack. I felt my daughters would find me dead on the floor. I imagined every single day not waking up in the morning. I imagined sadly my daughters without their mother. I saw my husband without a wife. I would cry. And still there was no stopping it. I would say to myself, this is the last time! Yet 2-3 purges later on the same day would leave me feeling defeated. It was ugly.
What makes it so different now? God, I wanted to stop so badly then too.

I feel that now I am willing to do the work.
It's not something that you wish for & expect to come true.
It's not something that your pray for & will be granted.
You are the key. I am owning my key.




 

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