Strength in bagfuls

Date:   1/23/2009 10:37:20 PM ( 15 y ago)

Well-so far so good. My true test came yesterday.
I went to pick up a few things from the grocery store.
Usually, when I go to the store - that's where I lose it. I Pick up my fave foods-sweets, candy, doughnuts, cakes,chips--well the list can go on and on.
Obsessive, mentally, and emotionally hungry.
I am proud to say that I just kept walking through those aisles.
Mentally focused on not repeating my old ways of dealing with whatever life brings my way...or maybe because I just plain feel like making a slob or myself, weakness -or just can't resist....or maybe because I just plain ol love to eat...or maybe because I just silence the voice in my head that screams no! don't do it!...etc., whatever.
Not an option anymore.
I am extremely proud.
I do know that in the past the longest I probably went without purging was approx. 15 days.
It has been a crazy cycle, but I am keeping mentally strong.
I have mentally kept my mind mindful. Being truly mindful of my actions. Being truly mindful of my emotions and how I am dealing (or not) with them seem to make a difference. This time it feels different. (It just has to be!)

Even though I have hated each and every moment of my bulimia for the past 10 years,..and I've cried because I truly hated what I was doing to myself..wishing and praying to stop, I just wasn't mentally strong then. I am working on being strong.
I have to continue to be positive.
My mantra, plain & simply..."not an option"

I have continued eating low carbs...I guess an "Atkins" way of eating.
This is not what I plan to continue for a long period of time. I will do this for one more week or so, then I plan start adding more & more good carbs as I go.
Don't want to give my mind a chance to freak out at the tought of eating & not purging. small steps, right?
I would still like to do a small fast for 7 days, maybe? I'll see how i feel about that mentally...gotta treat myself & my mind with gentle yet mindful kid gloves.
Goofy, maybe...but if it helps me on my path, why the heck not.

If anyone out there is dealing with this...I wish you well.
If so far I can do it..you can too.
I don't guarantee anything...all I know is that all the times before when I promised myself through tears that that would be the very last time I would do throw up...my will was not strong enough.
Today it is, and I wish the same strength of resolve for me tomorrow.
I wish the same for you.


 

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