Unconditional trust

Date:   1/20/2009 9:28:58 AM ( 15 y ago)

Secrets exist because we know sommetimes unconditional trust is not possible.
It has been TEN YEARS. That amount of time just takes me back. I can't believe it.
The secrecy I've lived in...not a single loved one knows. The secrets that we keep.
I can't even phatom telling a single soul. At least not now. I have made a pact with myself that in a few months I will go to my doctor and be honest - I want to know what damage, physically, I've done to myself.
I hope I can bring myself to discuss this with her. I tried to tell her twice last year when I went in for my pap & for a sinus infection. I just couldn't find the words...they wouldn't make their way out. so I babbled instead of my aches & pains in my back. Turns out I have arthritis.
I can only imagine my test results if the proper tests were run.
How to even begin sharing my bulimia with the ones I love? I don't trust.
My Husband? My family? My friends? The people closest to you are the ones that would use something so fragile to hurt you. Unintentionally maybe...but just so.

I have a great circle of loved ones around me..I just don't trust sharing that one thing. I live my life very openly, I believe in truth, I love everything and everyone around me...so it would completely destroy my family. I could not look in their eyes. Would they pity me? Would I be the talk of the family? I can't stand to think they would take the nightmare I have been living with & make it dirty. I just need help. Would they critize me just the same if I came down with cancer, or disease or lost a limb? Until you live with this, don't judge.
I never would have imagined this for myself.
Writing about this for the first time ever, so far, has been good for me. Never having said the words aloud..so this helps.
I have always dealt with weight issues growing up & as a young adult. I began with this crazy cycle at the age of 27. Now I am a 37 year old woman.
I love my husband. I love & adore my three beautiful little girls.
Now is time that I love myself...no matter what age, weight or size.

 

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