Typical male, typical rage. We have to learn to control it, and with some compassion it can be done.

Date:   1/12/2009 11:21:31 PM ( 15 y ago)

I need to say something. Maybe it is not my place, and I am not judging because I used to do it, and I know how hard it is to stop doing it, but I saw it today and I need to say something. I am not "talking down" to anyone, I just want to help.

It is about men - or, to be fair, "typical men"... I suppose there are women who do this and men who don't do it, or who "have it", but just typically... and from what I have seen ONLY MEN DO IT. Women do something similar, but they don't have the brute physical strength that makes it truly terrifying like what I saw today. Nobody got physically hurt, by the way, but wow, it is scary.

And, just to break the secret, if it ever was one - I AM A MAN. I use the name "Karlin" to be intentionally "non-gender". Many think I am a woman, I noticed. Whatever....

What I am talking about is the RAGE. That ANGER that spills out when things go wrong, and it might be scary and it doesn't allways or even often hurt someone physically, but for sure it puts a foul mood on the situation. And someone usually cries, or whimpers.

I saw it twice in the past few months. It is when a man uses his "power", one of the tools that is a successfull evolutionary trait that no longer serves us very well. We get ANGRY in that special way that might be described as a temper tantrum, but it is SCARY. It worked well to frighten off bears in our past, but we don't often need that anymore - sometimes, but not often, and in many men's lives that rage is not actually usefull even once.

I saw it used on a pet dog, and with a wife. The dog was supposed to be learning a lesson with a beating, but it didn't have a clue what the beating was about, it only knew that the master was really really upset. The wife had done something irritating, possibly costly, but just a misunderstanding in this case. Useless rages, both of them.The guys were left sweating because they expended so much energy. The pet and the wife were both whimpering, and damn, it is sad.

I begged my friend to try to learn something that I learned when I was younger - that kind of rage is not acceptable, and we CAN learn to not do it... we HAVE TO learn to not do it.

The typical on we see is kicking the car when it won't work, shouting and screaming and flapping the arms, the wild look in the eye. You have all seen it. It is worse when a living thing is the target of it though, that is especially wrong. It might be seen as silly when it is an object, but when it is a living thing, it is just wrong and it has to stop. And almost EVERY man has done it, and we all have to learn how to stop doing it. It is not easy to stop doing it, that should be understood too.

At least I SEEM to have learning it. I don't do it now, but then I don't have a wife anymore, or someone like that to get angry at. At least I learned not to get upset at the car when it doesn't work...which is often enough. I have learned to make myself calm, I have a special meditation technique, involving a deep breathe. Just taking those few moments to NOT DO IT is about all that is needed, then your perspective comes back. Sure, it doesn't help when someone else is pushing you, or teasing you, chiding you about being a useless mechanic or for making the choice to keep the old car, but it is still your responsibility to not RAGE.

It never helps at all... some guys say it helps THEM get rid of their frustration but it really doesn't. Maybe I only learned to control that RAGE because of my severe chronic pain illness where I hurt like crazy if I get emotional and upset and RAGING like that - my neck goes into spasm and I get a helluva headache, and that might be the only reason I don't do it now. But it seems as if any man CAN learn to control it, and many do as they get closer to 40 or 50 years old. But that is about 30 or 40 years too much - it is never acceptable.

It is a primal thing. It is a man's power, one of them, but we have to keep it parked. In fact, it is a lot like a hot car in the driveway that we are not allowed to drive - we LOVE to take it out for a spin because it is our power, and we like to use it. The less of the other powers a man has, as in living our lives where we might fail at a job or not be able to provide for our family, to succeed at things, then the more tempting it might be to use the RAGE. We are powerless against the law, the rules, the socially accepted behaviors, whereas in previous eras we might just be able to use our strength to go get what we need - kill a deer and feed the family for example. Now we have to be civilised. But maybe that is why RAGE is seen more in poorer or less successfull males - it is one of few powers left and it is just too tempting not to use it sometimes.

Compassion is needed for the men with rage problems, and showing compassion might help them learn to stop using it. Even though they are wrong to use it, when it is happening it is a bad time to tease them, or to push them, because this is an inborn power. All men have it, and we all have to learn to not use it. It is not easy to put this power aside. I know. But we all have to learn to do it.


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Update - I found this quote on Anger by Aristotle [I love the old ones that still apply to us today], which speaks, I think, to how raw emotions usually are behind our anger, but that anger does have a usefull side if emotions are controlled:

"Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose,
and in the right way, that is not easy."
-- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)




 

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