Groping to get a grip. Feel free to comment!

Date:   12/16/2008 2:17:44 AM ( 16 y ago)

I forgot to mention: this is now the second day I've gone for a bike ride at 6 in the morning!
I noticed last weekend how I seemed to feel better if I walked or jogged after waking, before even having that glass of water. Should I consume any juice before moving I'd instantly feel more bloated and tired. Talk about the benefits of falling asleep at a friend's place on a weekend... Yep, somehow I now feel more energised, as if I've actually pushed myself. However I don't know whether it's a good or a bad thing that it takes an hour or two after the bike ride that I actually get some water down - right after exercise it feels uncomfortable, as if my stomach can't stretch enough to give room. GREAT!

Yesterday I was obviously very hungry when I got home. The persimmon mash didn't really help - I felt heaps guilty since the density was of the kind that made me feel like I was breaking the fast. I hope today I won't feel as hungry, since that'd be bad news... Breaking the fast a bit early could be fun, but not only have I little surprise planned for Friday requiring me to hold on to the fast until Sunday, I also feel like I'm even worse off when it comes to resisting Xmas delicacies. I attended a Xmas carols event in my local church, and while listening to all those familiar tunes I couldn't help - in that continuing state of hunger - thinking about other things I recalled in conjunction with the atmosphere. Such as food... ginger bread cookies, prune tartlets, carrot-rice bake, swede-rice bake, broth...
Now tie those with joyful childhood memories, and I was about to cry. In that moment there was nothing I could do to stop my mind from finding excuses to return to cooked food after the fast!
In the end my mind control held, I watched my ex-colleague munch on a tartlet, while I had plain rooibos tea with no milk or sweetener.

I know I can count on myself, I won't slip should I have reasoned the matter to myself convincingly enough (as I have). The only thing is that I feel miserable having to say no. I feel disappointed, down, upset... I attach so many deep and actually happy emotions to these particular foods that given the right setting I could cry for not being a part of this ceremony any longer. I know giving up these foods does not equal giving up my family, that good time together, that mood of importance and loving. But how the heck will I tell that to my brain?! How will I tell myself that the deadly food on the table is not elementary? I need help, I need it now, and I need heaps of it...

While searching through raw websites in this emergency I couldn't help but notice how nicely loose my suit pants feel again. One of the things I love about fasting. My body feels nice and slender, oh how I wish it could be like this forever! But I doubt it, somehow it seems the perfect looking and fantastic feeling me is below my natural measures! But I'd rather not think about that right now or this slowly building better mood will collapse.

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Yesterday, before going to bed, I decided to drink a glass of persimmon, since the night before I had had that eating dream and I was convinced it was due to me going to bed hungry. Well, no success this time, either... I got too energised, and it took me a while to settle down and fall asleep.
Now, at 11.30, I'm feeling tired, despite of consuming 0,45l bottle of pear juice (and mash, apparently, too, the pears were too ripe also). I think my morning ride might've been a bit too hard again.
On with cucumber juice. I tasted all of today's juices before leaving home to ensure nothing's gone bad this time, but you never know. I've only got a 0,25 bottle of persimmon with me apart from the cucumber.
Hm, too much stressing over my nourishment. No good.

Since that's just one of my major problems. I'm always concerned about nourishment, whether I have enough food on me, whether I can eat something in case I eat out. I know that slight starvation is supposed to be good, but how can I possibly wait for my stomach to churn before eating when by that time my moods have probably swung all around the place? My moods are so directly related to my energy consumption that should there not be a ready supply of something suitable available very soon I approach a very bad mood very rapidly. Maybe if I'm very concentrated on something, such as in physical work, I might not pay enough attention to get moody. But while at work, while being able to notice my stomach getting empty, that's the grounds for all hell to break loose.

So many questions. No answers.

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I'm experiencing that funny feeling of as something was stuck in my throat. Detoxing, I think. Good.
It's 3pm, and I've still got some 0,4l of cucumber juice left. Whoah, especially regarding I've managed to get only two bottles of water down today. Still I'm feeling relatively full. Good.
(Unless it's because of the excess of pulp in my juices.)

 

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