Trying to start looking at my overeating and commit to stopping that and to diet cleanup, in order to progress in lengthening fasts.

Date:   12/13/2008 6:54:24 PM ( 16 y ago)

The title says most of it.
I just can't write it all out right now.
I am just going to say that I am sad and lonely.
I lost my fast, my 3 1/4 day fast. After only 40 hours.

I didn't like what I was doing before that fast.
I was eating heavily and doing enemas for several days.
I was hurting myself. Not badly, nothing out of the ordinary, and hurting myself far less then the average American does daily -- but this is unacceptable behavior -- the blaoting myself and the horrible compulsion to eat -- I don't want to accept this behavior in my life.

My mentality when eating has got to become closer to my fasting mentality.

I have really got to stop the overeating.
I have got to clean up the diet.

I am so sad now. i was going to restart the 3 1/4 day fast tomorrow but now I am just sad and lonely and cannot believe in myself that I have the ability to do it. I don't want to go back into a try-to-fast-and-fail-and-try-again-and-again mode.

I just don't want to live with that repeated experience of failure.

I am so sad and don't know what to do.

I do think one key to the way forward into lengthening my fasts is that I have got to buckle down to really stopping my overeating behavior.

Today I have been O.K. with it. But I ma having such a hard time cause I am NOT able to eat any more for the day -- maybe for like 16 more hours from now -- and I at the same time want to start my 3 1/4 day fast again tomorrow. But if I do not eat "enough" (what society tells me is enough) beforehand I will feel not as strong about keeping my fast the whole committed time. I hate this so much -- feeling "too thin" to fast. It is such crap. Nobody is too thin to fast and -- see Isabelle Moser -- fasting is actually the only solution even for some extremely thin people. i so so so HATE the HORRIBLE SO DESTRUCTIVE fearful attitude toward "reserves"/"dangers" of fasting. God -- people who need to fast DESPERATELY are turned away and rape-stuffed with food, when their bodies need to FAST. It is horrible, truly horrible.

I need to work all this out for myself. I need to sit down and work out my ambivalence about stopping overeating, and my fears about fasting for thin people.

God, please help me. Please help me and show me what to do. Please bring me the positivity to commit to not overeating and fasting. Please, please give me this positivity. Please help me.


 

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