I've been documenting my new healing adventure for MCS and other chronic "challenges"; this is part three

Date:   9/10/2008 6:11:14 PM ( 16 y ago)

Healing from MCS Part 1
http://curezone.com/blogs/fm.asp?i=1254089

I went to a new healer for an evaluation and initial treatment for my multiple chemical sensitivity and other chronic "challenges"...

Healing from MCS Part 2
http://curezone.com/blogs/fm.asp?i=1254404

part two of the saga of my latest healing adventure.



In Part II, I wrote that my evaluation with my new practitioner revealed that on a health scale of 0 to 100, zero meaning you are biologically dead and 100 meaning you are in optimal health, with good health starting at a score of 80, I tested out at a score of 17. Also, 90% of the underlying causal factor of my ill health is emotional.

This is NOT to say that henceforth I will run around and tell everyone that I have a "psychosomatization disorder"--don't you just LOVE psychiatry? Why I reject this label is that psychiatry, in my not-so-humble opinion, "pathologizes" everything and everybody--if you're ill, you get a label and a nice bottle of prescriiption medication to take care of the problem in your head. Hey, I used to be a medical social worker; I worked with these guys and gals long enough to know how it goes in a traditional medical setting. When I first became severely ill, my physician thought my symptoms were so bizarre that she insisted on my taking an HIV test, sure that I had AIDS. When the blood test came back negative, and all the other standard blood work came back "WNL", within normal levels, she sent me to psychological services for a psychiatric evaluation.

The term "psychosomatic", in popular usage, usually has some kind of negative or blaming connotation attached to it, as if the ill person somehow is faking it, or making up the illness, the "it's all in your head" accusation. When you look at the word, it's a combination of "psyche" and "soma", or mind and body. I much prefer to say that I have a "mind/body imbalance" than a "psychosomatic disorder".

It's actually very fascinating to me, when I step back and take a look at myself objectively. Imagine!! All of these years of living with and in an ill body, to find out that emotional issues in my life are the primary causative factors rather than all the other stuff I thought were the main problems: inherited genetic predisposition, chemical exposure, bad luck, the wrath of God (seriously, for many years I suspected that God the Father was punishing me, for what I wasn't certain...why else would I be so miserable?), and who knows what all else.

Not that some of this isn't relevant, mind you. Regarding genetics: my belief is that if someone is born with an inherited genetic tendency, or predisposition, towards developing an illness, take immune system problems, for instance, it takes some kind of environmental trigger to set the wheels in motion for the illness to develop. If there's no environmental trigger, the illness does not manifest. An environmental trigger can be anything outside of the body: it can be childhood exposure to chemicals, overuse of antibiotics, allergy shots, or emotional trauma of some sort. I was exposed to all of these as a child.

Then there's a person's belief system, thought processes, emotional responses:
Even though I was raised in a non-religious Jewish household--my father was an atheist and my mother an agnostic--I vividly recall that as a child I took to heart (this is not just a figure of speech--"took to heart" i.e. I really took it into the heart center, the feeling state, the center of my Being) all of those Bible stories of God smiting and "smoting" people who did not do His will. I was petrified of God, and I mean literally that. (Considering my parents' non-belief system, this may sound rather strange--how could I have these beliefs when my parents clearly didn't? Ah, this is the part where all of that past-life stuff kicks in that I wrote about in Part I.)

The part of me that knew right from wrong was so fine tuned that if I did the slightest thing that I knew to be wrong--even thinking something "bad", then that fear kicked in that I would be punished--if not by my parents, then certainly by God, because HE could see you and know your very thoughts, even if your parents couldn't. I remember being in a near constant state of fear as a child. Fear of being punished, fear of not being loved, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of not being noticed, fear of being noticed, fear of being sick, fear that by being sick I wouldn't be loved, fear of just about anything. If one is living in a constant state of fear as a child, with no help or relief in sight, then it's easy to see how a feeling of despair and suicidal ideation would also kick in. Just think of what all that FEAR and DESPAIR will do to one's immune system, and how any genetic predisposition to an immune system problem could be activated.

Take all of that childhood stuff, mix it up with more chemical exposures and emotional traumas as an adult, add in an unrelenting daily dose of anxiety and depression along with a dash of intermittent suicidal ideation, a good-sized dab of guilt and shame over perceived "bad" actions, and a healthy (or not so healthy) portion of continuing belief that God either doesn't exist, doesn't care, or maybe really IS punishing you after all because you're such a lousy unworthy useless excuse of a human being, and voila'!!!

I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER: an immune system collapse akin to the greatest feats of Herr Doctor Frankenstein.

And I say that "I" created it, no one else. What happened, happened, and cannot be undone. What CAN be undone is the constant, complex cycle of neuro-emotional-physical response, all of that brain programming that constantly gets triggered to create an unhealthy state of being, an unbalanced mind/body. The unraveling will take time, to be sure...the process started before seeing this new practitioner, and maybe even before I started seeing the shaman, but for some inexplicable reason, some of the self-blame and self-hatred for putting myself through all of this is missing as I write this...I feel sad, somewhat sorry for myself...is this the beginning of self-compassion?

...Ah, and my Guides and angelic Beings are all around me, as They say They always are, and I can feel them hugging me and holding me...


Part 4: the process of healing continues:
http://curezone.com/blogs/fm.asp?i=1263486




Related Blog:
This blog depicts the ongoing process of the evolution in my belief system about God: Kabbalah Wheel http://curezone.com/blogs/fm.asp?i=1254022




 

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