Part One of My Rebirth as "Dad"

Date:   9/4/2008 3:52:39 AM ( 16 y ago)

I was going to wait until I got the blessings from a certain young lady I know before writing this and I now realize a couple things: This is my Blog, (devoted to truth-telling as a part of my continued healing process and which has supported me in the healing life path that I am on) and the time has come for me to share some truths about my relationship with this beautiful young lady, namely that I am most overjoyed to be her father!

I really want to tell the whole story from the beginning as best I can and include references to the larger context of significant relationships as I see them relating in this story.

About twenty-five and a half years ago I moved from a city in North County San Diego into San Diego City so that I could experience more community than I was experiencing where I had been living. I essentially joined a new community of people who were attracted to learning, mastering and teaching the science of manifestation. I started out by being a student in the foundation training and became friends with my teacher. Later my teacher and I went to a Sunday service of another spiritual group and there is where the very beginning of this story actually starts. Although I didn't know this at the time, I was seen by a particular woman attending this service whom I had never met or even knew existed before. When this woman saw me she immediately had the thought: "This is the father of my child". This is what this woman told me some months later.

The next scene I remember is that I went to Balboa Park with my teacher plus a friend who apparently invited this woman who had what I'll refer to as the "vision" of my being the father of her child. So the four of us were sitting in the park. I remember the woman (with that vision of me) appearing emotionally upset and speaking with (what appeared to me as) sadness and that evoked my feelings of sympathy towards her. I felt like comforting her. The next thing I remember is that I am sitting next to her. I believe she asked me to hold her or it just happened rather naturally. I imagine that I was physically attracted to her then or soon thereafter as I believe I was very soon invited by her to where she lived and had a room and the next thing I remember is that I'm in bed with her. That's my memory and it might get improved upon later but don't count on the story-line changing much cause there is really not a lot of "wiggle room" here! In other words I allowed myself to essentially fall into a physical relationship with someone I hardly knew at the time. I had a lot to learn and I was about to learn some things very quickly!

Next I remember working as a live-in caregiver for an elderly lady whom I was given charge of by the lady's daughter. I had my own room in the lady's home. The woman I was involved with came over to visit me. I think she had dinner with me and the lady I was caring for. After dinner I said good night to the woman. She essentially refused to leave and in some desperation I had threatened to call the police but she wouldn't budge. I let her back in as I didn't want to make a scene in the neighborhood or at my place of work. She wanted to make love. I asked if she was in a fertile cycle and she said she wasn't. We made love. She got pregnant. This was my birthday! About a month later when she began sharing with me the news I said I was not wanting to be a father. I may have said that I wasn't ready but in any case I really wasn't ready and I definitely was not wanting to have children and especially not with this woman! After much distressing over the differences between us regarding the pregnancy the woman left the country and returned to her native home, had the child and then informed me of the birth of my daughter!

I think it was about a year and a half later that I left San Diego for Chicago where I originally lived. I still had family and friends and was interested in seeing them again after not being there several years and I wanted some decent paying work and I knew that I could have that work in Chicago. While I was in Chicago the woman came to visit with our daughter. I remember two things. One was that we were in a park and the little daughter ran off by herself and wound up getting hit in the head by a swing! The mother took her to a local hospital where she said the little girl fell off the examining table. The mother said she couldn't be constantly holding her. The other thing was when the girl's mother was with me we made love and that experience re-ignited something (that I can't describe with words right now) that then motivated me to travel overseas to where they lived to experience that environment and explore the possibility of spending some time there. I didn't like the foreign environment but more importantly I was not compatible with the mother (contrary to the way things had appeared to me while making love with her)! I returned to Chicago. I revisited their country two more times with essentially the same results. By that time our daughter was about eight years old. Then I was living back in San Diego. I was willing to have communications with the mother. There was very little communications with the daughter. Although she learned English later she was not speaking English at that time. Then it seems that about ten years just flew by! I missed all of her growing up into a young lady!

Some years ago I was able to begin some e-mail correspondences with both the mother and our daughter. I was ready, willing and able to communicate with my daughter and I believe my daughter was confused and didn't know what to feel about me. I did not learn this until recently. My daughter told me she didn't know what to feel. Her mother told me our daughter had been confused during her adolescent years. Over the last few years my daughter began expressing some interest to come to America and visit me. I was really excited and definitely waned her to come and of course to see her! I wanted to plan for that. I sent a little money on a few occasion that she said she was saving for the trip here. Eventually she got hired by an organization that places people from foreign countries into American camps. She came this Summer and had a very intense Summer camp experience. Sort of like boot camp! She then came down to San Diego to visit me.

When she arrived where I live I was in the basement and my heart beat immediately got more intense with a very special excitement I've only known in this instance! I came upstairs and heard her voice coming from the living room after I quietly entered the kitchen. I walked around to the hall and was behind her some distance when I walked in the living room and a friend of her and her mother's (who had brought her over) said "there he is"! She turned around and came into my open arms and sobbed as I fell in love with her!

I had less than 48 hours to see her. It was just long enough for me to be filled with emotions that would take a lot more words for me to say what those emotions were about. I heard my daughter say/refer to me as "Dad" for the very first time in my life! I suddenly realized that I was starving for a loving relationship with my daughter! All my resistance to being "Dad" over the past twenty five years vanished and all I wanted was to love my daughter with all my heart! I shared some truth-telling with my daughter on a couple occasions during her visit that evoked emoting in me and whenever I talked with any of my housemates the emotions ran like a faucet under high pressure!

I saw my daughter off at the airport. I virtually never buy myself packaged food and refused my daughter's offer to buy me some breakfast when she got some things to eat at one of the fast food venues. She had a yogurt that came with a separate portion of granola. She could only eat about two thirds of it and then offered me the rest. I thought that I would just be polite and taste it. I tasted it and it was the most delicious thing! I ate all the rest of it with gusto and could have licked the whole inside of the container had I been able to get my tongue down there! Later at home a house-mate said how my daughter had served her some simple goat cheese with some old honey we had in the kitchen and that it was the most delicious food she ever had! Then she went on to speak of the radiant being of my daughter that can infuse what she touches with love!

My daughter wanted to get to the final departure area and we walked towards that. There was a restroom just before that line and that is where she said goodbye to me. It was perfect! I didn't have to add additional stress to either of us by going through a prolonged goodbye process.

I walked to another terminal where I waited to be picked up by a house mate and while I waited I began sending distant Reike to my daughter as she had developed a sore throat. I have been sending her distant Reiki daily since then. It is one of those things that I do that is as good for me as it can be for others. I'd like to continue sending my daughter Reiki every day.

My daughter said that she liked San Diego and may want to come back next Summer and later said maybe in a year or two. I am preferring to see her before then. Where, I don't know. Now I have to wait till my daughter returns to her home, settles in and responds to a request I sent her a couple days ago. I want to know what her language of love is, given the five language examples stated in a book on the "Five Languages of Love". I want to speak my daughter's love language. My top love language is known as "spending quality time together". I am looking forward to learning what language my daughter wants to share with me. Then I'll know better about possibly seeing her again before next Summer.

From San Diego my daughter went to San Francisco and from there to the Northern California city that I was living in so she could meet her little brother for the first time. My son is adopted by a family whom his birth mother and I know and are in communication with as part of the open adoption that we all co-created together. (The mother of my son is not the woman who had the vision of me.) The story of my son will have to be told another time as it is now way past my bedtime! Tomorrow is the day that my daughter and my son get to meet one another for the very first time however because my son is a young and protected 10-year old he won't be told that my daughter is his sister as he still does not grok that I am his birth-father!

This is a journey into some wonders that weave about the mysteries of birth! I certainly have wondered!


I also say that Mothers are the grail!


God Bless us all!






 

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