Just Made a 39-Hour fast, Narrowly missing going Much Longer. So frustrating. Working now for the positivity and willingness to fast again. 42 hours but an ideal goal of 3 days? 7 Days?

Date:   7/29/2008 8:35:29 PM ( 16 y ago)

I am really really really lonely.

I am kind of okay but it is not tolerable to be so narrowly escaping bingeing all the time.

The answer is to clean up my diet more. Get the triggering foods out.

I can do this by relapsing back into fruit for a time so as to get off starchy sprouts. I can have fruit but not sprouts that are starchy.

The real main problem is how alone I am.

I truly now understand my inability to fast at length as a problem of "anxiety." -- a condition western medicine holds to be mental... I doubt my abillity to control it mentally... I COULD, and I came close in this 39 hour fast I just achieved... but it is a horrible struggle and so so so slow to succeed at controlling it mentally.

Physically is the way to go to get real control. I mean, eliminating triggering foods.

My plan to do this is as above.

I have to phase out fruit but REALLY COMMIT TO sprouting conscientiously and responsibly and consistently.

I can commit to this.

My life is such horror: I have got to change it: got to get sober: got to fast.

a big support I am going to institute maybe tonight and definitely tomorrow is several hours of meditation daily.
I feel my body is in a real crisis -- though I am more in control now and bloat myself less... but the meditation is very needed for me to get control of myself and my behavior (bloating myself, persisting in eating triggerign foods)

I have got to commit to a 42 hour plus fast now.
I have got to figure out when to do this.

I am thinking of going away. camping at a site with tents and platforms or to a nice hostel in the mountains.
This would be ideal distraction and carry me through at least 30? maybe 36 hours of a fast? With the travel, the newness.

I was so positive on fasting 7 days the other day. I only ended up fasting 39 hours. Strange: now I can't feel "strong"/determined enough to fast 7 days. I can sort of imagine fasting 42 hours. I think I'd better take advantag of this.

I don't know what my immediate fasting plan is.
I want to aim to fast 7 days.
But I can't feel sincere in this desire yet.
I almost really did it the other day. I kept telling myself "I can do this seven days. It is okay." i really could visualize it! I was not exactly happy about the prospect, but I could do it.

I don't know why I broke it. Probably because I gave myself the "out" at the outset, of only having to fast longer than my last fast. I have a period now of about ten days always fasating longer than my last fast.

Fasting is jsut so serious and so hard. I just want to slack off and give up. But I cannot continue to live this way. I cannot continue to live like this!

A complicated thing is that when fastign I am not sure of the results. I want to end up strong and well. But sometimes I am so scared because I jsut have this image of the fast making me disorganized and weak.

THis is part of healing -- being weak and disorganized. I have got to raise my positivity about being weak and not capable. I have got to heal.






 

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