Actually Making Progress "Pushing Away" food when eating is not OK with me. Deciding to start 42-Hour Fast tomorrow, Thursday.

Date:   7/23/2008 5:42:38 PM ( 16 y ago)

I am doing better today with becoming willing to fast my next fast (42 hours)... though I am still really negative-attitude about it (I just want to get high... i.e., eat food; and it feels 'unendurable' to fast even just 1 3/4 days. Gosh, I am salty about this!! I am so rebellious!! "don't make me fast!! I don't wanna!" Even though it is the thing I MOST and so terribly need to do. Posting this helps.... I am thinking of ways to make the fasting 'endurable' psychologically. This is my biggest, and most destructive difficulty with fasting.. the purely psychological feeling that "life is just too miserable without my drug of choice [food])... or "it [fasting] isn't worth it." ... One thing I think I am actually starting to do finally now is track all my compulsive-overeating behavior and chart progress moving away from my typical overeating patterns. I started this charting last night. I last night actually identified several different circumstances in which I go to the food, when eating isn't really OK with me. I charted all my behavior for about the previous 24 hours. I had several major successes; some of which I could hardly BELIEVE; and I had a lot less bloating etc. I even had less depression today. After sitting down and identifying these circumstances (example: one typical circumstance: it's the end of the day and I feel "entitled" to eat more food, and if I just go to bed I will have to wait through 8 hours of sleep/tiredness to eat again...) or other circumstances when I will if I do not eat right then have to wait... (as before a block of classes or something... I suffer terribly neurologically and intestinally from this behavior.. such depression.. and am subsequently engulfed in such vicious cravings to binge, and such vicious unwillingness to do any work at all or take care of any of my necessary business, let alone do creative, constructive things for my life.. so it is a very big deal that I STOP eating when the eating is not OK with me... fasting will lift me out of the craving state and out of the state in which I want to eat-because-I-have-the-cahnce-now-or-because-life-is-unendurable-without-that-drug-fix-high-of-food)... I have, as I say, actually had a lot of success just in the past 24 hours "pushing away" the food when ordinarily I would go to it compulsively... and although I KNOW the consequences will be bad... the tracking of my behavior on paper is maybe the key to my finally sort of starting to succeed at stopping behavior that in the past decade I have just repeated and repeated and repeated????? I don't know why tracking myself works. Of course, using non-triggering foods, as I do to the extent possible, is the main help... I feel maybe there is a record of my progress and so it matters more what I do... I also know I get a sense of real satisfaction from adhering to chosen behavior in a planned organized way and being able to report a day count of my "sobriety." I like UNDERSTANDING and seeing visually and predicting what I am doing. I feel in control in a positive way. Withthe self-charting, my efforts to get "food-sober" do not feel haphazard or chaotic, as much. I can do this, I know. I can stop the overeating. And this will make fasting easier. I can learn to fast, and fasting will lift me into the state in which I will not WANT to do what I would ever term "overeating" (i.e., eating when eating is not OK with me)... For the first time in my life I feel a bit of hope. ... To accomplish my next fast, I am thinking of making my last meal before the fast some sort of real treat... as usual... having some high-quality very good fruit... this is NOT conducive to fasting, eating things that are tempting and yummy; but for just this second it is a means to an end. My goal is to be less frantically attached to food and to fast naturally and easily. This, I intuit, requires that I do the "Green-living-only-food diet." ... no more fruit or starchy sprouts, as I discussed in my last post ... I do not know when I will try to start my next fast... my dream is to start a fast intending it to be a short fast, and to end up extending the fast to a therapeutic length (probably at least 5 days) ... I don't know when to try to achieve this 42-hour fast. I think I am in a place where I will need to get mmyself willing to fast by telling myself I am going to fast 3 days or 5 days. 42 hours just seems so not worth it. Before I lost my recent "day count" of always increasing the lengths of my fasts, I was fasting from about Thursday to Sat./Sun. weekly, and I got up to 66 hours. I am thinking of using this positive habit I developed of a "weekend fast" to set about my next fast on this coming weekend... possibly starting early a.m. tomorrow (Thursday)... I always started Thursday early, in this manner. It is in a way actually soothing to go about the adventure of a fast each week beginning Thursday. THis is a way to make fasting bearable -- to make it a soothing habit-pattern. FAsting does FEEL good, it is just a question of starting and staying with it. I wonder if also I could look at my pattern of breaking fasts involuntarily, and chart this and so start to succeed in fasting longer.



 

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