Getting serious; putting my fasting on a spiritual basis

Date:   7/14/2008 5:15:44 PM ( 16 y ago)

After writing here and blogging yesterday I went home realizing that I have to be very "serious" and spiritually-minded about fasting... my hardest problem is that I am not overweight... so ... it seems there is "no reason to fast..." though of course there IS.... fasting is what I need more than anything!!! ... I have in the past a few times succeeded in fasting as long as 3 days, and each of those times (once quite dramatically) I experienced such healing from my depression, unwillingness-to-work, terror of other people, general negativity, and the anxiety that comes from that negativity (i.e., the anxiety that comes from having constantly to fake positivity when I am horribly in pain and miserable inside... have to conceal my depression)... a complete healing... not to mention I was totally healed of the main problem -- my constant, ineluctable compulsion-to-eat... the major manifestation of my food addiction and general toxicity... it was so wonderful to be relieved of this!!!! I felt relaxed unlike I had ever felt before. I no longer wanted to seek to repress my feelings/get "high" -- my high of choice being food... I was happy to be sober... I was not compulsed to eat... ordinarily I live constantly in this miserable compulsion... just waiting for it to be mealtime... so I know the right thing to do: fast; but I still have trouble.

So I haven't been able to become motivated enough to fast -- since there is no overweight problem... this makes me live in denial... not to mention the negative feedback one can get when one loses weight (my family is particularly vicious - if only I could tell of my [obese, I think she is become, now] sister's attitude toward me -- ughhhhhh, so painful)... of course my weight is nobody else's business and of course they are the sick ones to attack me for healing, but.... I do get scared... there is a cultural ingrained neurotic fear of weight loss in this society, it seems...

I noticed something posted by Chrisb1 yesterday -- he said he undertook a 25 day fast when he was thin to begin with. This warmed my heart and made me get serious. ... One problem is how addicted I am to the drama of failure... or that I fast just long enough to START getting well -- then go back and eat (to console myself, to stuff any feelings) and shut down the healing process -- just cause I am addicted to eating... I have trained myself to eat only nonfattening foods, and now raw foods only, so I do not suffer from my food addiction as far as weight is concerned... but I suffer in EVERY OTHER WAY... the tantalizing thing is that I KNOW how well I am when I fast -- physically, emotionally, spiritually... and I have not been able to muster the self-love to succeed in fasting.

I HAVE recently succeeded in bringing myself along somewhat, as you note, by GRADUALISM, FOCUS, and COMMITMENT. I took time off, and I committed to a raw-food-based, slow series of incrementally long fasts.

So, my diet is pretty clean now (it could be quite a bit cleaner: I've got to start making better, more chlorophyll-developed, less starchy sprouts; got to stop eating ANY non-living food [peanuts are the only non-living food I eat; I just have to work out a way to give them up... it seems easier now that I write about it...]): this is relevant because the cleaner my diet, the easier and more natural fasting is... I am after all not missing much when I am fasting as opposed to eating... so it is easier to go into the fasting state... incidentally, I have got to commit to a SUPER-light-eating program for post-fast times (instead of racing back to the most triggering foods I allow myself & eating those in quantity...)

So there is real progress. I took this year off to make this progress and learn to really fast. It's... happening...! It is really hard. The biggest thing I have to work on is my motivations for fasting: I have got to live on a more spiritual basis, it seems, and stop just wanting to get high in life, and get material things, not that I am a terrible person, but it is subtle, maybe I am a little bit terrible, it is hard to explain... when I affirm spiritual values, the task of fasting is somehow easier... or, there are fewer obstacles to fasting, ... or, I am less looking for some sort of intoxicating thrill (a food fix) in life... ??? it is hard to explain... I have to go soon and can't do it justice right now...

I have had setbacks recently. I kept a day count of raw foods only and also of always increasing the length of my approximately-weekly fasts. But though I have stayed on raw foods, I stumbled on the lengths of fasts. I got up to 66 hours and then could not do a 69 hour fast/72 hour (i.e., 3-day) fast.... this would have been a milestone... it feels like I need more support to achieve this step.

Nevertheless I yesterday after getting serious said to myself: all right: enough. I am tired of being miserable. i am going to get brave and fast 7 days. I had started a 54 hour fast Sunday (yesterday) morning (this seemed manageable). But I was not committed to it. I buckled under this morning (thank God it was not in the middle of the night last night: this was major progress: I waited until the morning to fail in this attempt to fast) .... I had a big meal this morning (Monday) and told myself: as I was saying before: I am tired of being miserable. I am fasting 7 days! I am just going to do it! I almost immediately felt the misery and terror of this project... which I actually consider a good sign since I am feeling things and not repressing them, only to feel them later and be tripped up by them, into breaking the fast before time...

I don't even know how serious I am about this 7-day fast. I am just teling myself to try it. I have sort of planned to go to plays (I am getting into acting and writing) and movies for 7 days... and I am to share about the 7-day process in 12-step meetings and in my blog and on these forums...

So, today, TRYING to make it day One of a seven-day fast. Important symptoms are only emotional: feelings of dread , that "life is too miserable" without the "fix" of food. ... Incidentally, I recognize (thank God) teh violence of using food as a fix....

here goes with my Experiment, my attempt at a 7-Day fast. I do't want to have great expectations of the fast... just some healing and sobriety, and greater commitment to my living diet.

Thanks again for responding, and I hope to hear from all. Good luck, everyone, on fasts, and I hope to hear from others!

I will also post tomorrow: DAY TWO OF SEVEN... Lauray




 

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