Victory! Actually staying on my day count of lengthening my fasts. Now I am taking the next big step to healing.

Date:   6/21/2008 2:00:55 AM ( 16 y ago)

Started this morning. Struggled to keep it, really do it, but succeeded, by talking through it really carefully,gently, and fully with my therapist... so it's on!!
HURRAY!!!

thanks, RawGirl, for the ideas... it sounds like you have some good info on neurological aspects of overeating/foods.. can you direct me to a place to read about opiate rush and grains, and the other things you mention? So good to have my intuition answered about the hurtfulness of overloading on nuts, too... again, where did you read?

i take exception to one thing, the idea of "missing something.." ideas like these seem to form part of a not-healthy mainstream, food-addicted set of mind.... I avoid thinking in "scarcity" terms... something that seems (see Gabriel Cousens, "Conscious Eating") to come from a feeling/conviction of lack that is really a product of a food addicted mind... I really trust fasting as the healer.. not that we don't have needs, but that ideas of scarcity can tend to take the focus off necessary abstinence from food addiction/overeating .. 2 lbs of greens seems too much... greens bloat me... it also is not right for me to approach food as something to be forced in or "taken" like medicine... this is because of my violation issues... everyone has different needs, I think. One main thing is -- when you (see Paul Bragg) DO something or TAKE something to counteract a condition you have brought about by doing something else, you are acting to perpetuate the cycle. Like my taking the enemas to counteract the bloating.. and then eating immediately afterward... instead of recovering the slow, hard way, I am enabling my own compulsive overeating.... also I don't process anything I eat... I trust nature... I also don't think it is right to dismiss in advance another's possibly quite constructive objections to the "answer" you have found, or to promote your answer at the expense of others, or to dismiss my response as "excuses." i think my process is valid and I think I need to be respected as valid (really, not just in the sense that my sickness may constitute just one possible way of life) ... i don't dismiss anyone else's effort or path. I think we all have to really respect each other. I just need to say this because I really think my ideas are important and valid and I need to keep affirming them and getting in touch with them.

well, anyway, I am so glad to be back on my day count of increasing lengthsof fasts -- or not to have lost it.
took enema tonight just to get out feces that would have made me sick tomorrow in my fast... i felt okay. Ideally no more enemas but just for now ok to facilitate the fasting process...

I want to go into how I re-converted myself to the commitment to fasting.

New behavior has to come in now to support continuing the lengths of my fasts: first I am eating super-light post-fasts, 18 hours after this fast and 24 hours after the next fast, etc. JUst a few leaves of greens and few bites of say clover sprouts every 4hours. Second: eat lightly and do not overeat once regular eating begns... realy try NOT to eat when eating not OK with me. How to formalize this into a rule/policy.. have to address this say tomorrow or at next post. Postpone next fast 1day more than this time (postponed this fast by 1 day, to lessen panicked, between-fasts self-stuffing) Third: I think I can give up fruit now. And thus stop a lot of my bloating, and stop doing enemas. ... Next is to giveup nuts. And after that to do really strictly green, living, sprouted foods only.. to find a feasible diet within this guideline.

It'sgood; I feel committed again;
though it was sad since I saw my AA sponsor and have not told her yet that it is not alcohol/drugs I am recovering from. I am really aloone when I act likethis. But she is in OA and we talk about that and so it is not a total isolation.

I figured out a way to tell her about half the truth: I can say: alcohol was not hard for me to give up. I gave it up as part of my attempt to get food-sober and learn to fast. True, though I gave up alcohol 12 years ago and never really drank it at all to begin with. Anywy, this story is a start. Then later a full revelation ???? I have not pretended to have revealed to her my full real story... I am in pain about this, though.. as I am in pain about the guy in AA I liked and could not get close to because of my being crippled in my self-disclosure.... glad I am blogging about this since I realize how awful I was feeling about myself for being attracted to my sponsor's high wealth/social status... I really beat myself about that and this only hurt me... I forgive myself now for my materialism and am als a bit released from it as I writethis... nice... now to tellthe truth in AA in a way that will not take away their support... I think my half-truth is a pretty good idea... I am back going to a lot of AA meetings again, Ithink... I really do need to start really confiding in people, though

... I am in an acting class now (I think) that is giving me a chance to tell my story. I have to prepare a story about an object for next class. Ithink I will use my notebook of daily food records. And tell about my being silenced as a young girl when I tried to cry out my pain about my compulsive overeating and was told I was bad and wrong for wanting to be thin... this was the most horrible and destructive thing ever done to me... to be told I had to tolerate the rape experience of compulsive overeating.

WEll -- I really need to write about my post-fast plans... and about lengthening my fasts... have to do that next time


 

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