Happy today! Feel free to comment!

Date:   5/22/2008 1:49:28 AM ( 16 y ago)

Yesterday I was quite shattered after work, and in the evening I experienced quite a few food thoughts, and a bit of hunger. I probably consumed too much warm veggie juice for my own good, but at least I felt better for a while.
Then I read a short book on Chinese acupressure techniques, and experimented on a few tricks. They seemed to work for my sore throat, temporarily, but in general I don't know what to think. As a sceptic it's hard to believe in something this far-fetched, but then again I am curious on the possibilities.
Several pressure points later I started to feel a bit sick to my stomach - fast-related, most likely - and I had to quit. I washed some clothes in the bathroom sink (I can't afford a washing machine in a long time), took a shower and went to bed.

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Today I'm feeling great! And it feels even better to be able to say so! I don't really have anything to complain about, my energy levels are much better today! I feel prettier and stronger, and not quite as chilly (I've still got the radiator on, but I ditched the cardigan). It's almost 10am now, and I haven't had much juice yet.
All in all a nice start for a day, and the second third of my month-long fasting journey.

I dreamt about eating a chocolate bar and only afterwards realising having ruined the fast again. I'm glad I only blow things in my sleep.

Yesterday I didn't only have stray thoughts on food but I actually read supermarket ads with obviously heaps of pictures of food in them. I also thought of planning a bit of my raw diet, but then realised it being too early, since I'd only get cravings.

I also seriously contemplated my attitude towards sticking to the fast for a whole month. What would I gain? I already feel better! I could totally start eating right now, I even feel like I wouldn't get a sore stomach or anything (which, of course, is a false assumption). I don't even remember when and what I ate last, what it feels like to have food in my tummy, and feel bloated after a meal too heavy filled with things I shouldn't consume at all. Even my skin smelled like food. My tummy was sufficiently full, and my wantings were starting to get ridiculous.

And I started to feel more convinced I should go on just for the hell of it. Me already making everyone I know (via this blog and other online means) aware of me absolutely not eating or consuming alcohol until after June 8th gives me a nice sense of 'must' in this. Also, I don't think I'll have the will and patience to go through a month-long fast again in a long, long, long time... maybe never, if I keep my ways right. I could break the fast now... And then need to hold another boring pre-week, then another 11 days of going through all I just have... seriously, no patience for that!! Patience is not often counted as a virtue of mine!

So, I came to the conclusion of accepting that I naturally feel very comfortable right now and feel like I might as well quit, I accept that I miss some filthy cooked food, I accept I miss cooking and having my life revolve around food. And after going through all my emotions by breaking them up into separate thoughts, and then going through the thoughts without trying to ignore them and in that make them 'illegal', I release much more room in my mind and energy in my concentration and determination to start filling my mind with things I enjoy in this very moment, and things I enjoy when on the fast. Very healthy!

In the last three or so years I've, slowly, learned the art of being completely, brutally honest to myself. Previously I thought the way to keep myself in control was to block thoughts right at the root in order to stop them growing. Now I've finally accepted that it's much easier and way less painful if I just acknowledge everything that crosses my mind - no matter how unpleasant - and simply rationalize my way through it so that I don't have to deal with the mess later on but rather have a clear path in front of me with no extra baggage to drag along. Great! I might not tell just everything to others (I rarely if ever lie, but I'm quite experienced in talking my way around details I don't want to reveal), but there is no reason to lie to myself. Everything is allowed in my head as long as I have the chance to analyze it first - be it immoral, illegal, whatever. Thoughts are just thoughts, and I have a notoriously wild imagination. Restricting it and putting other people's norms on my own fantasies is only violating my personal freedom.

Now that I'm a bit older I finally have full trust in my ability to sort things out, set morals for my actions, and filter what necessary. I no longer feel out of control (no matter how delicious the feeling was when I was younger, out of unawareness) but rather a young Woman in control of herself, navigating her way smoothly through life towards directions only I set for myself in each given situation.

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Wow, some deep and meaningful personal contemplation there. I am proud to be able to publish it here for all of you guys to see, since I feel and I know these mentally clarifying moments are some of the greater benefits of fasting. Starting to feel in control of my body is directly affecting my mind - no matter how much I thought I directed what I was doing, something was always lacking - my body being in my command. It was me being commanded my body, and it's time for a change!

Yesterday I imagined some heads turning when I walked on the street. Today the feeling only strenghtened at work, even women seemed to take a glance. Paranoid or not, that makes me glad!

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I've just caught myself feeling just fine being single, and actually finding joy in even being able to imagine an attractive partner. This has never happened before. Amazing. My own thoughts, and realising they are only such, delights me in such a way? I must be growing up.

 

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