thoughts and frustrations as my fast is under way, successful fast and day count.

Date:   5/16/2008 5:37:13 PM ( 16 y ago)

Day 23 of Raw Only and Increasing lengths of fasts

Told my therapist today about my fasting and compulsive overeating.
It was horrible.
I cannot really tell people about my pain. They just beat me. They just jump on top of me and try to control me and I get more hurt.
I am exhausted.

I am in AA and this morning I saw the guy I sort of like -- but I don't really like him. I don't really like anyone. I am an empty person -- totally materialistic I just like people for their material attributes. Itis horrible.

I am going home now and Ihave so much work to do and I just want to go to sleep and do nothing. The work is to clear out the apartment so the landlord will rent it out to someone else and realease me from my lease obligation June 1st. I was duped into this arrangement in a way. I am wrong in trying to get out of it. I am trying to make amends by helpin my now-displaced roommates find new places to live. i am so desperate to get this clearing work done. I cannot work. I have a relaxing but alarming feelign of tiredness.

I can forgive myself my moral failings in spite of the past excoriations I have received for them by college acquaintances etc. -- because I do the bad things I do jsut to survive.

I am not a bad person. Sometimes I am convinced I am a bad person -- for wanting to be thin.
I read yet another horrible book today in which horrible woman excoriated herself for 'obsessing about her weight.' she narrates that she goes on a ten-day master cleanse and 'concerned' friends police her thoughts about this. the friends are 'concerned' because she wants to lose weight. she is apparently bad for wanting to lose weight. apparently this is not allowed. apparently this is Dangerous.
.... all such a total horrible vicious LIE. the desire to be thin is good and right and a message from the body. a positive life-saving message. and it should be heeded. If you get the message from somewhere -- from any part of yourself -- it DOES NOT MATTER whether it is healthy or 'unhealthy' -- to lose weight, you need to lose weight. period. You need to fast if some part of yourself says to fast. This is not an option. There are no 2 ways about it. It is not moral to violate yourself by eating when you are getting the message that you are fat. I don't even want to justify what I am saying with the idea that also it is healthy and there never is any danger of 'starving yourself to death' or getting 'dangerously thin' ... and that there is no such thing as 'dangerously thin' -- that this is a horrible, body-disrespecting, soul-disrespecting, destructive LIE. It is NEVER moral to forcefeed yourself -- even if you are going to die. there, I have said it. I need to say that because I am so frustrated. I am frustrated at my life wasted in com

What to talk about to my guy tonight??? All I can think of is getting my practical tasks done -- clearing out my apartment. I worry that this guy just is not interesting to me. I wish he were, but he is not. I am terrifiedwhen I am around him. He just is not that intereseting to me. This is devastating. I ama love addict. i am so weak around others. Others are scared of me. I hate this other guy I met in AA today. What a jerk. He offered me help in moving, then refused in front of my face. And my guy was with us talking and he didn't offer me help either. I am ashamed for asking, now. I am such a horrible person

All this is really a vent.

alll this comes in the important context of my really at times feeling capable of being so positive as to actually carry out this long detox, increasing the lengths of my fasts.

However -- as I was telling my therapist today, I cannot really be OK with turning my will and life over to God. I cannot really be OK with postponing a fast in order to be more gentle with myself -- cause I realize deep down I do fasts out of a secret desire to binge afterward. I don't want to carry my body through the gentle process of a light eating postfast regimen. though I am committed to only 1000 cals per day for 2 days following this fast. ... I don't want to do the fasts soberly because I dont want to turn my will and life over to God cause what if God just wants to force me to be fat.

I am holding 2 requirements uppermost in this day count. One -- raw only. Two -- increasing lengths of fasts. i think I can only succeed at these things if I really get gentle and 'surrendered' - otherwise my fasts will jsut fail.

I need to build trust with myself and trust with god. I need to realize god is not going to force me to be fatter than I want to be, even at my strictest or most guarded or wounded.

Then I can surrender. ... Sometimes I am shamed into wanting real sobriety and real surrender and I can follow AA calmly. But shame is not a sound basis for turning will and life over to god.




 

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