struggling with depression; still, committed to 42 h fast and maintenance of day count. So sad and lonely.

Date:   5/3/2008 7:17:14 PM ( 16 y ago)

well, what am I to do today?
I just have to fast until 5:14 a.m. Sunday -- I am thinking of this as "late Saturday night," so I can tell myself I have only to fast until late tonight, today being Saturday.

I am scared right now.

What do I have to do?
I have to... do too many things.
I am trying to sublet my apartment. I have found someone who I am afraid is unacceptable to the landlord. I am afraid the landlord will evict me. I am afraid the landlord will not accept any person to take over my lease. I feel.... humiliated and furious. I hate the landlord.

I have no one. I am trying to schedule 2 movies tonight but cannot afford this. I just need to get through until 5:14 a.m. tomorrow.
My roommate has undergone another personality change since last night, leaving me a hostile note this morning. Maybe I have so abused her that this is actually healthy behavior on her part. She was the recipient of terrible abuse from me, psychological. I was so angry when she made noise and I said so and I displayed no gratitude when she quieted down, going above and beyond what was called for to accommodate me. But her note actually threatens she will move out in 5 days and demands her rent money for the month back. Demands I sign an agreement to this or something. Concludes "Sign here:__________" with an underline for my signature. I am frightened. I can only ignore this. At this point I have a tiny thickness of skin about it. But this does not make it feel relaxing for me to go home. She really has abused me, too, though. God damn her. F*ck her. I know she has really abused me. I can't articulate how now since I am so tired. F*ck her.
What can I do to keep this fast? What can I do? Oh, of course I will keep it.
What I mean is: what can I do to stop these horrific afternoons and evenings and days and nights and mornings even sometimes of being in this state? What can I do to stop this depression? .... I can fast: this is the cure. And I can be really f***ing careful and gentle post-fast, when the change and the healing occur. Hah. AS if that will ever happen. Why can't I get gentle? Why can't I? As difficult as the fast is to do, actually changing behavior afterward is even harder, g*ddamnit.


I am so hungry right now. I have just over 12 hours to go. Fine. I will get some Pellegrino water. I have got to get through this, and I will.

I am trying to get out what I am going through.
I know I can just go home and read. I am so tired, maybe I will fall asleep.
My hunger pang (false hunger, just like every pang I have ever felt in my whole life) is now going away. When it was here I forgot that it would pass.

I have had Pellegrino water today -- artificially carbonated but it didn't make me sick. I guess I may have another. It's a treat, so it's not good, but maybe I can stop having this kind of water. Maybe a first step is Gerolsteiner -- naturally sparkling.

So another water and then home and read all evening and sleep all night??
I know I will not sleep.
I do have a certain number of things to read.

Here is the situation with my sponsor. I do not want o speak to him. I think he is dumb. I call him up and am speechless. Or -- he is aggresssive and I am hurt and I am in a situation of being forced humiliatingly to speak when I do not want to speak.

I was told to write on the steps today.
I cannot stand to do this.

Here is the problem. I cannot stand to do anything.

I am writing from a place of depression.
I know some of the patterns of my depression and some of its triggers (it's entirely caused by food).
I can avoid it a lot.
But sometimes I get it.
Sleeping adequately helps.
But I depend emotionally also on early morning meetings (AA). I am now starting to be a sort of member of the family of an early morning meeting

I am scared and alone and horribly depressed and it is the same as allthe other desperate and alone and horribly depressed times in my life and I have made no progress.
There is a guy Trey I could call but I do not like him.
I do not like anybody.
I need to pour this out to someone.
I think I am going home and reading.
I need to rest.
I need to start being able to get to sleep early.
I must never, I think, stay up late. Never later than 8:30 pm, really.
I am desperate to be free from this depression. This needs to be my first priority. I know fasting is the answer. So fasting is my first priority.
I am doing all I can for the moment toward fasting.
I am too exhausted to continue. to articulate how I can go gently after this fast.
First gentle thing I could do I guess is stay in and TRY to go to bed early
Though if I am due to break a fast at 5:14 am I will not frigging sleep.

I have so many things to write out but can't stand to or am too broken to.
well -- I really am fasting. I have that at least.
Must plan next week's fast better. Or -- next fast. I could do it sooner than 1 week from now.
Maybe I will call Trey but he is so dumb so I don't want to talk to him. I hate everyone.
I just have to get through the night AND THEN BE GENTLE. How to define this? I am too tired to address this. i really need to address, define gentleness, since post-fast gentleness IS the mechanism of my healing, of the healing of my life.

LAURAY


 

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