Processing the dynamics of doing the Pacific Symposium 2007

Date:   11/13/2007 8:44:46 PM ( 17 y ago)

5:35 PM
November 13, 07

When I park in my Handicap spot
at in front of the Catamaran,
I consistently hear this line:

"Another Day at the Office."

That has been going through my head for years,
Especially the day after set up when I just unload
a small cartful of things.

I have a pretty poor memory for pain.
I do not think I could have survived so well
in my life if not, but the body remembers
until we let go consciously of what is stored
in it.

We often stuff the things we are not ready to
process. We often store things we do not have the
tools to consciously deal with. Then, when the time
is ripe to come up for clearing.

I love the experience of doing the Pacific Symposium.
I have been doing it for more than ten years.

There are many years I do not want to do this event.
It just seems too big for me.

This year was one of the worst times I can recall
NOT wanting to do this event.

It is grueling on me.
It represents weeks and weeks of inhumane treatment
of my body.

I consistently had a picture of Mozart in that film
"Amadeus." An evil force outpictured in a masked man
who does not like the genius, makes him work round the clock
until his body gives out and he dies.

I cannot keep working the way I do.

I work under grace. I am given unusal capacities
based on my strong sense of Will Power during the time
I do this event, then after the event, I have to pay the price.

I have spend months with diarrhea following a Pac Sym.
I can get really worn down. Often, I will go into depressive slumps,
that seem to be in sync with intense emotional pain or grief
that generally have to do with feelings of unmet needs, often for love.

This year, I am in a good place with those unmet needs.
I am grateful for the love I am giving myself.
I have no desire to give myself away any longer to another person.
I am a valuable person, and what I give is worth a lot.

It is almost sacriligious to give so much to an event that
requires the team play of at least five people, and then
have to do so much work that I cannot do at the event what
I am best at.

I take responsibility. I am a poor communicator perhaps.
i do not fully see ahead of time what my needs are or what
the demands will be.

I would be better off, doing less, having smaller expectations,
curbing my ideas, and coming away with more of a harvest
both energetically and financially.

Doing Less, I would receive more.

People will understand better what I was up to
if I did less and focused more on a few things.

I do not yet have a staff that are trained to do
the functions that this event asks.

I am in a prime location.

If I were rested, I could have given one job's tear away
to more than 200 people as they passed, and then
asked them to come back and Plant a Dream.

Very few understood what I was doing until after the
Closing Ceremony. It hurts that I no longer do an opening ceremony.

I worked about five weeks night and day on this show.

There were many people who I could have reached
if I were not as tired as I allowed myself to get.

I made some poor logistical decisions at the end,
out of my tiredness.

I can correct some of these for next year.

Deep down I am angry at myself,
and at another level extremely happy for
what I did achieve and receive.

It is one thing to be organized to give.
I am great at giving away things.
It is another to be organized to receive.

___

Discussions to have:

Things to improve:

Scott
Moriah
Michelle
More...
Brian...


[Morea just called...
I am talking this out with her now...


 

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