Lost my Fast Due to Being To Toxic to Conccentrate. EAting DID NOT HELP. But a Breakthrough in that I am NOT stuffing myself in anticipation of beginning my fast again quite soon (tomorrow? and WITHOUT STUFFING!)

Date:   10/24/2007 8:39:52 PM ( 17 y ago)

I was too f*cked up from -- what -- processed food? to tolerate the fast.

I quit after 27 hours.

Why did I quit?

Reallly i was because I could not settle down to do my homework.

I thought that if I ate then I would be able to concentrate.

Just the oppposite. I ate and thsi wasted time and money and did not get me to do my work.

I am sleazy, homeless, non-working, and desperate.

I hate myself for being such a worthless addict.

I hate myself.

I have got to get help out of this addiction.


After the eating I strained to refrain from eating more. I planned for myself to have 600 cals, accurately measured and I had that plus I had "Free food" -- including tomatoes -- which gave me some agonies

No serious bloating like yesterday

One breakthrough worht mentioning besides the fat that I STOPPED after the 600 calories: this is that I did NOT feel frightened to go back to fasting right away.

I got so much raping abuse from the water fast forum this past summer and part of it was this bullsh*t sh*t about how it was 'daaaangerrrrrous to start and stop fasting as much as I do' (expressive misspellings mine) SO F*CKING ABUSIVE AND IGNORANT F*CKING RAPISTS FOOD RAPISTS SITTING THERE INTENT ON F*CKING ME WITH FOOD... anyway... this partly reactivated the fear I had been conquering all summer, about fasting as a slim person...

I KNOW it is safe to fast, as a thin person... I have to work on DESIRING to fast even tho I do not need to lose weight.
I have to affirm my reasons for fasting..., and I think make these like -- spiritual.. i have no time to get into this jsut now so I willl let it remain vague and not-understood- by-me.

My breakthrough today was that I SAW THAT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO STOP EATING AFTER THE 600 CALORIES AND I SAW THAT I COULD START FASTING AGAIN AS SOON AS EVER I LIKED, EVEN RIGHT AFTER THIS 600 CALORIE MEAL!!! It is difficult both to clarify and to account for this change of mind. But I had it.


It was like: I am SAFE starting to fast again right away and I am SAFE refraining from stuffing myself in anticipation of starting a new fast soon. ... IT IS BETTER FOR MY BODY TO EAT ONLY A LITLE IN BETWEEN FASTS!!!!!! This is the chemical condition of my body, and, I suspect, of all bodies that have healing to do. I AM SO F*CKING BEATEN ABUSED SICK AND HURT BY THe f*cking neurotic fear of eating little and of REALLY listening to my body ... which says STOP F*CKING EATING!!!!




SO... what is my fasting plan? I don't know. Sh*t. .... Am I more detoxed now today? Is the next attempt going to be easier? Should I try it tomowrrow? i feel too stressed and rushed to decide. I will think about it as I go howm an d blog about itt tomorrow.

I am still so f*cking unmanageable. Every day compulsed to sh*t all over my progress and eat processed food and just overeat. Jus sit there ignoring my Body's STOP signals, with the same old bad stupid vicious tired excuses. I am still so sad. i am working on my aloneness. I want to be in Hollywood writing. And acting!
AND FASTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 

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