Strivign to get into the willingness to fast. Started a fast today of 4 1/4 days, I desperately tell myself, not being willlling to do it at all.

Date:   10/23/2007 8:11:50 PM ( 17 y ago)

I don't know how long this entry is going to be.
I will post it on forums, though.
I am so tired and need to make fasting my first priority and am so strained because of other obligations.
I am so tired of not being able to fast.

I have as of today eliminated my calorie excess. I determined I would start a 4 1/4 day fast, at 2 pm today.
This is the length of the longest fast I have ever achieved. Or, 4 days was, and I was increasing the lengths of my fasts by 6 hours each fast. This was 3 years ago.

I keep feeling that I have to go through some ordeal in order to get fasting again. I keep feeling I have to be punished or brought to my knees in some huge humbling slamming Facing of the Truth About Myself. I am so sad. I feel like I will have to go on a horrible journey to a holy man in India in order to learn to fast again. And the holy man will be an %¤#&!§-to me, rigidly arrogantly screaming platitudes at me and sending me away empty-handed. Shaming me. Telling me as so many others have that I am horrible and sinful for having problems and being depressed: that I have no excuse and I am going to hell...meanwhile I continue to get high every day on food and incapacitate myself and not be able to do anything.

I had this conversation with my sister Sunday in which I asserted my fasting and asserted it was my only way to healing and was the most important thing I was trying to do in my life (well, I did not say that -- but it is true... and I do ot pay enough attention to my fasting and i am failing at it. ) ... she screamed at me it ws "nonsense" but I stuck to my guns and I felt less alone afterward... but it is still tough... the next conversation I have with her I will have to reasssert my fasting and get screamed at again Who is there for me? Who is there?

I want to write to a friend of mine who's an actress and acting coach but I cannot say I am doing badly since she will panic ... or something. Why am I not able to tell her? -- since she makes me feel so ashamed of myself. ... My reason for wanting to write would be to get engaged in a project with her. She was going to do a kind of little film just about the lives of people who are dysfunctional like me and so I would get to tell my life story to the camera.


She will probably be busy and then where do I have to turn? Nowhere.
It is another day alone for me in Boston. That's where I live.


I need to write about my unwillingness to fast and I need to write about my poor spiritual state.

My spiritual state first.
I am so scared.
Maybe the fast would be a good way to get spiritual.

Mostly I am lonely and my life is materialistic and empty.
I am trying to slow down throughout the day, telling myself that the drivenness, which I feel contributes to triggering the compulsive overeating, can stop, it is safe to stop pushing and driving myself. Mostly I am running from intolerable thoughts, most of which have to do with my failure in life and my total lack of status or achievement or engagement in the world.

I can admit some of these thoughts now.

But I am really alone and really empty and I do nto know what to do. I am scared. I know the aloneness is not good... i feel it is a kind of selfishness... I am confused about how scared to be about it, though, since part of my discomfort inthe aloneness is merely a child's terror, my inner child's terror, about not Following the Rules of Life, as set down by some sort of punitive authority figure in the sky: so, I am basically just having a child's terror of getting in trouble, being abused, punished. And the aloneness MAY be less horribly dangerous than my terror tells me it is. I guess I identify this voice with my mom, who was full of ominous warnings and that kind of abuse.. terriyfing me about the Consequences of my Behavior. Once I remember being ominously warned about my failure to sleep... 'people who don't sleep get REALLY SICK...' and I remember having a panic attack, age 9 or so, about having trouble falling asleep one night... of course it was due to my compulsive overeating, the agony of which was screamingly denied by both my parents. ... When I think of how my sister talked to me the other day I feel ... so... scared... so sad... she is so , really, so abusive... she is going to invite me to thanksggiving and i have nowhere else to go... I have no other closenesses in my life... I am so scared of being so alone... I feel a little bit that I am jsut scared of getting in trouble as I just explained... that aloneness is Ok, really; God is with you.
But I am really depressed.


I also have to write about my day today.
I got high.
I went to the whole foods market intending to have only about 500 cals. and to have like 400 cals later thus having 2 smaller meals and also by the end of today getting totally rid of my calorie excess accrued last week.
Well, i got rid of the excess, but I ate the 900 cals all at once, instead of in 2 separate meals. I ordinarily begin a fast with a meal of 950 calories (bad, but it motivates me... gives me a charge that gets me through the first part of a fast... I guess the first part of the fast then is about recovering from the 950 cal meal, but...at least my fasts are getting longer.)
After, and with, the 900 cals I had "free food" -- raw lowcaloric veg., including tomatoes.
The tomatoes ripped me apart.
I got a severe case of bloating, my stomach like a beach ball, and I got the panic attack that is the neurological effect of this and the severe depression which is likewise.

I had to go in this condition to my drawing class and it was horrifying. I could scarcely move my body. I was in an old, horrifying misery. WHY CAN I NOT STOP BLOATING MYSELF?????


So -- I am lonely and I am still in these desperate daydreams of moving back out to California and soemhow getting in a relationship either personal or professional and preferably both with owen wilson my movie star crush. And when I think of life in LA whichis a real possibility since I could go to this particular acting school out there. -- when I think of LA I am so miserable I feel close to deah... how miserable my life outt there was. How terribly in need I am. Oh God please send me help, aand help me. i know I can be someone who contributes to the world, i just need to be taken care of somehow. Please send me help. Please. Please let it be okay for me to fast. Please let this be your will. I need to fast. I want to fast. Please send me help to fast. Please heal me so I can fast.

I have to face the fact that acting school most probably would not be something i coudl deal with and it would not meet my needs and I would be so alone and depressed and it would be terrifying.

My sister was screaming at me that I have got to get a career together and stop hopping from one thing to another and screaming at me that I have got to go on prozac.

I know I need a career and focus and I even have ideas of wha this might be but I am justt not quite able yet to really decide what it is that I really want to do and not go with what I think is approvable. THEN there is the task of achieving regular frequent substantial fasting and a food sobriety so I can actually DO what it is I CHOOSE in this honest way.

Let's look at this task. With fasting and food sobriety (= refraining from overeating and bloating) everythign will fall into place. Everything will be well.

How can I achieve this? What is my strategy?

I am writing this blog.
But I missed OA this week. And those people are never going to support me anyway.
Should I -- What the hell should I do? How can I succeed at fasting? How can I get willing to fast and make the life choice and DO IT and KEEP DOING IT????

WHEN am I going to SUCCEED IN FASTING? And alkalize my body, and commit to no processed food?

I am exhausted. I cannot pay enough attention to the fasting. I push and drive myself to do too many things each day. yet I am unwilling to chane and stop doing the things.

I have to redesign my life and stop trying to do many things and start just trying to fast.
I have to redesign my life.
Today ws my first full day back on raw food only.
I ate seaweed (dulse) and raw olive oil and raw cashews. Triggering as hell.
It was also a day of no sweet tasting foods, though.
I was horrifyingly in bad shape after eating today ... since the processed food flogged me so badly earlier in the week. I am shaky, exhausted, weak, and panic attack ridden and horribly depressed and horribly prone to bloating.


I am desperate. I have no ability to focus now.

I only know I need HELP TO FAST or something and need to focus on and affirm fastin all the time so that I don't slip into craving the food to numb myself...
But how do I stop craving the food to numb myself?

I have lost my train of thought. i am lost.
Who is there for me? Who?

I have to redesign my life.
I have got to get help to fast.

What steps can I take?
What can I really commit to?
OK -- raw food only and nothing sweet. I don't know how long that is going to last but I am getting a sprouter soon so there is a little hope. For a diet of green living food only.

I am sitting here needing to connect with someone and not knowing HOW.
I need help so badly.
CAn I Envision this fast?

If it is 4 and 1/4 days it will be until Sat. 8 pm.
I am so furious that when I fast I get the basics done in my life but when not fasting I am just eating myself shitfaced all the time and cannot do anything... and that I cannot plan and execute a productive day when I am eating... only when I fast.. and not reaally even then, since I am so tired with detox.

So: Achievement = healing, doing the healing work. this is the new definitionof achievement. i have to be rreally applying myself but fasting itself is a legitimate achievement and I should not expect anything else of myself.
I say that but I am not accepting it. I am full of shit.

Can I imagine this fast as a positive experience and a desirable experience??????

I've got to DO IT.
I notice I fast 50 hours like once a month as opposed to lengthening my fasts steadily as I desire to ... and the rest of the time I spend struggling to make fasts of longer than 36 hours... I fast weekly but I shoudl aand could be fasting 48 plus hours weekly and in this healing fasting pattern I am trying to establish
Fasting... I just feel overwhelmed when I even think of th eword. i feel disgsted. I feel angry, negative, and fixated on food, my drug of choice, and getting high on it. f**k.

I am back on all raw food and my calorie excess is gone but I have got to get better.
I cannot really relax ever right now since i am homeless again and have to find a living siuation in 2 weeks.

If only I could fast 30 days.

If only I had a real Reason to Fast.

If only i lived in a sunny place in California and people were around me talking to me supporting me to fast and encouraging me and telling me it was all right to ast and alkalize and stay sober and eat green living food only and not get high and get well and healthy and assert myself and express myself artistically and work hard and succeed. God, please help me, so I can get well and really help other people in the world. god, i just want to get trashed and smashed. God, please deliver me. I am so sad and alone and I only get worse. god, please deliver me.

 

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