I am searching for the positivity and willingness to really start the long fast in earnest.

Date:   10/21/2007 9:10:09 PM ( 17 y ago)

I am just blogging to keep up the pratice of blogging daily.

I hurt myself again today. I intended to start my fast but still am unwiling.

I figured out my excess calories and had 1112 cals today. This deducts 88 cals from the excess.
I have a calorie excess of like 743 cals from the week still. I only reduced the excess by 150 cal yesterday and 88 cal today.
Tomorrow I figure I will get rd of most or all of the excess i.e. just have 457 cals for the day and my body will thank me for this but I just can't start the fast as of this a.m. as I had intended. AND i can't find the willingness to start the fast tomorrow.

When I write these words I feel terrified ... terrified of losing control. Terrified of being overwhelmed y th eurge to stuff -- even though I have eaten more than I should already today. This is so terrifying. I think it is bsed in a thought that the erst of the day (though I am about to go to bed) will be intolerable.

I think even though my life is getting better (see below) I still live in these ingrained thoughts that it is intolerabel. I am tryig to take my thinking slow. Like if I think something is going to happenthat is horrible... I look at the thought.

I have to meditate more.

I am really focused right now on getting spiritual. On stopping my negativity, that invalidates everything except fame and money.
I am actively in daydreams about certain movie stars. daydreams about going tto maliby and meeting them and going out with them. I think maybe this increases my loneliness.

I have to stop bloating and incapacitating myself.

I can commit to eating nothing that tastes sweet.
A fasting buddy of mine is doing this.
I am maybe a little more open to Green Living Food Only and caared a bit for my sprouting operation today.
I am buying an electric deluxe sprouter as soon as a refund I am oed comes in and I guess I can send away for the refund tomorrow.



So, I had 1112 cals today.

But all at once.

It was processed food. Vegan fried frozen microwaved dinner food. and dairy.
This bloated me and put me in horrible pain. HORRIBLE.

Last night after the 2 quarts of fro yo I did a very salty salt water enema and this gave me diarrhea all nigh and most of today. it is over now. i gave me great relief to start out but then my butt got broken and bled from wiping. And I was terrified as I was in the bathroom repeatedly all night and my landlady was probably disturbed. I noticed she could not sleep either. i am supposed to be finding a place to live and I have not searched or advertised.

I am bettter now bloating wise. But I am unwilling to fast.

Tomorrow I want to have 457 cal ... I still have processed food... left over... this I COULD let sit there but ... maybe I can't.. maybe I am that powerless. Anyway I jus want that crap. It is none of it sweet.
I have to get back to raw only and this is no problem really but... okay I really want to get rest and sleep and FAST. I want to feel strong to FAST.

I am so scared cause I am so sick and cause I can't feel strong I can't stop getting high and can't stop making myself sick that way.

I am desperate.

This is the worst nightmare. Feel horrible and cannot stop making myself feel that way.

A good thing is I talked with my sister
I asserted myself to her
She forbade me to talk bout fasting bt I said it anyway: I am a compulsive overeater and i must fast tto heal from this ...I have got to get out of this "hopeless state of mind and body."
She rsponded disrespectfully and violently but I stuck to my guns and I actually expressed how guilty I felt for overburdening her as I was doing. I was really unprecedentedly strong and well in this conversation.
I felt not so alone afterward.
She was confronting me on how I am conducting my life -- with a lackof material achievement...
I realized how harsh and materialistic my family is and that I really do not have to think that way.
How SHOULD I think?
Success is deep inner peace?
But I really do wasnt to e responsble for myself and earn a living
It is aboutt getting the courage to put my actual real ideas real thoughts and real self out there artistically in writing and sacting
AND then keep on working on it till it is good.
... HOW can I do this?

By fasting and getting spiritual
UGH!!!
HOW can I do THAT???
... What gradualisms can I emplay??? What is going to get me that little bit high without messing me up?
Generaly, raw food in moderate quantities
But I get sick of the raw.
I get over-sweet.
Hence my no more sweet food rule.
This leaves seaweeds and sprouts and ... raw sauerkraut... certain nonbloating veg... raw oils raw nuts raw seeds.
The trouble is my need for volume and for a stuffed feeling at th end of eating. Fruit did this well.


HOW can I get willing to start the fast?
My thinking is: OK, 457 cals tomorrow = vegan patties remaining, 145 + soymilk remaining, 175, then 137 of something. Sh*t; does not eliminate nonraw food that I have. Ok -- more than 457 cal. Leave some excess and deduct from the next day ans really begin the fast that day... as I write that I have NO willingness to begin the fast even on Tuesday.
My fear-mind is saying "Oh... I feel burned from my last fast... oh...."
I was really healed by it
I do feel the need for so much more rest thatn I have gottten
I hate this
I realize I may be in sick thinking, thinking I need all that rest.

I JUST WANT TO WANT TO FAST... I WANT TO GET POSITIVE AND FEEL STRONG ABOUT FASTING.

Well, what to have tomorrow. Rest vegan patties, 145, Rest soymilk, 175, rest of nonfat cheese, 156, rest of nonfat cottage cheese, 225 = 701 cals, calorie excess reduction = 499 cals, remaining calorie excess = 743-499 = 244 cal excess so on Tues I could have 956 cals and begin the fastt with that.
But somehow not have 956 cals at once???
How can I have a satisfying beginning of fast?

I must commit to stoppping the dishonest measurement of calories so I do not have these excesses and do not hurt myself

The green living food is high volume low calorie so generally that is the answer for satsfaction and still a low moderate number of calories in a meal.


I am just noticing how defensive I am with the world -- with my sister... I cannot tell others how I stuff the food and crave it... they willl just scream at me that I deserve the rape of this. They will pathologize my desire for the basic dignity of control and thinness ... I have to conceal the compulsivity and yet I am utterly at its mercy.

i am terrified. I am out of control. I am negative about fasting. i don't want to fast. I will only consider fasting if i allow a huge meal as a send-off and even that has not worked the past 3 days. It is terrifying. This is not really new but it SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. And yet. I sit here and think that all i want to do in the world is stuff the food. Sh*t.

I have now to assert myself to my mom, my dad, and my brother regarding my need to fast and reagarding my problem stemming absolutely from my compulsive overeating.

I lay in bed last night so long jsut figuring out what to eat today.
I don't want to do that in life. Addict behavior.

I need to get a lot more vulnerable.
I need to get a lot more connected.
I need to get a lot more spiritual.


So tomorrow all the rest of the processed or non-raw food. Then Tues. all raw and no sweet food (?!?!? - But I think i have to get off the fruit...????... what the hell am I going to have tues??

I can go to OA tomorrow and get help committing to raw only.

I guess tomowrrow is 701 at sometime around midday? then a fast the rest of the day.
Maybe I will at least get a 24 h fast in there

My health is totally destroyed and my ooks.
I am exhausted and the end is not in sight. i am not willing to gt sober like I need to.
What do I need to do: maybe max 600 accurately measured cals at a time and wait 12 hours between the 2 daily meals of 600 or if i have to slam more frequently than that, eatt only 200 and can slam again 4 hours latr or 300 and slam again 6 hours later or 400, 8 hours. Sh*t. This is so impossible. Tthis is the only plan that stops bloating. And it all has to be sprouted green living raw food.

i feel as though I were breaking some rule with waiting 12 hours. As though I were going to get in trouble.
My anxiety is intense and horribly comprehensive.

I am desperate. How will I get sober. How will I get successful or support myself.
Have to change my thinking and not despise myself or think money is the most important thing. Or ssuccess.
But fasting would lift me out of all that. But I am so desperately unwilling to fast. What the f*ck am I going to do.

I got a mean dumb comment that screamed some bossig advice at me that was totally dumb and false, telling me I had to be forced to be raped totally by my compulsions instead of supported to abstain from them... lying to me that if i "just eat consciously" I will magically get over the craving to stuff on a particular food... what thte f*ck, that f*cker has no f*cking idea what the f*ck food addiction is -- you are lucky ever to see the light of day again if you ever eat so much as bite of a trigger food, look att me, decades in the f*cking food over and over again and no life, and almost dying.
I am sad and I must think how to get sober.
I must think how o convinc myself to fast.
And to eat only gren living food after fasting.
I wish I had a reason to do it, smething to live for.
I wish I were spiritual and a beautiful person eveyone loved.
I wish I had one friend.


 

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