A report to keep myself accountable to my commitment to abstaining from getting high on food when I am not actually in a fast

Date:   10/17/2007 6:54:05 PM ( 17 y ago)

Hi. I'm glad you are reading this; please write back.

I am starting this as a daily entry about my compulsive overeating behavior, which is very ingrained but which I am committed to healing via fasting.

I have just completed a two-day fast: 50 3/4 hours.
This is a pretty good length for me lately.
At the beginning of the fast I was inspired really to try to fast longer thatn 2 days -- I thought 10 days.

I do not know why I broke the fast. I have the sense that I just craved "relief" in between running around from class to class (I am a commuting student at a school in my city).

I definitely could have gone longer.

Since breaking the fast I have done OK with food.
I broke it on too much food: 900 calories' worth of almonds (raw), one huge apple, and an overstuffed 8 oz. package of fresh figs. Raw food, but too "tempting/triggering" for me.

I could have stuffed down 300 more calories at the end of that night BUT DID NOT.

This was major progress. Usually I feel frantically entitled to 1200 cals. per day despite that my body is pretty damaged and frequently cannot handle that amount.


The next day, yesterday, I actually did not get up at 5 am to get high on the breakfast to which I felt so "entitled" having been so good the night before. i waited, and a around 9 am went and ate like 600 calories worth of almonds and fruit (somewhat dishonestly measured but not severely so)

This was the morning meal. I actually did not bloat from that -- major healing.

I was careful not to eat what would bloat me.

Bloating is a major problem. I am incapacitated with pain and lethargy when I bloat, and the bloating also causes depression, has some neurological effect.

That afternoon I had a problem.
I had planned for myself 2 additional meals for that day, of 300 calories each, of fruit.

When it came time for the first of these meals I was not emotionally needy of food nor was I hungry but I felt frantic and ate it anyway. This hurt me emotionally (my self-esteem) and physically. Also it hurt my academics since I spent 1 1/2 hours eating adn just sitting in my car planning my life (admittedly a necessary activity) ... instead of doing these English papers which I dread.

The English papers are emerging as a major problem area with regard to my food addiction.

These papers put a kind of pressure on me such that I feel I cannot face them without some sort of "charge" of getting high on food first. It is something to do with how I beat myself up if I cannot write well.

Writing is a very intestinal-condition-affected process and my thinking and writing are very compromised by my food addiction.

Anyway, I stuffed down the 300 cals worth of fruit (again dishonestly measured... counting a huge apple as 80 calories etc.)

Then some interesting things happened.

I feel my body was strengthened by my fast and by my abstaining from too much overeating afterward.

My body launched a huge protest against the compulsive stuffing of the fruit meal.

First I had a violent bowel spasm, almost not making it into the bathroom.

I noticed a bit of blood in my stool. This has happened to me before and I take it as a healing sign. I went to the emerg. room the first time it happened and the doctor sad nothing was wrong.


It certainly scared me, though. it was my body's way of getting my attention. SAying: Stop stuffing food this way. Was it the violence of the bowel spasm that cause d the bleeding?

I went home lonely and scared though this was moderated by my e-mailing my 2 new fasting partners.


I was mostly really tired.... as though, post-fast, my body was suddenly AWARE of a need for rest... my body was strengthened enough to send me powerful messages to CHANGE.

i don't have time to work this all out now but ...

... So I abstained AGAIN... I did NOT eat after the bowel spasm... I waited 20 hours to eat again.

When I got home after hte bowel spams incident I also had an episode of nausea and weakness.

Strange how if I were stuffing the food I would not have experienced the nausea -- would not have been aware of the messages my body was sending.

Anyway: managed to stay off the food (it was inappropriate to eat, while I felt so sick; I got up feeling really sick and tired, tho in a strangely healthy way.. I just felt my body saying, You are tired, from the abusive overeating and getting high on food...).... until around 1 pm

Then: relapse into disaster. This was today.

At 1 pm I had like 740 cals.
At like 2 pm I had like 300 or something

Then finally at 4 pm I had another like 300 or maybe 500


I am in so much pain now.

I am really lonely.

I am scared.

I have not gone to classes today.

I was a "sick day" for me.

I was afraid to rest, though.

I still have to write my English papers
But you see, the day turned out to be a binge, nothing but that.

I am terrified at my lack of control.

My thinking was: I am entitled to a binge. I have been so good.


I am incapacitated now.

I cannot do my academics properly.

I am in major bloating pain.

It was all raw food but I have no clear commitment to staying off processed foods.

I feel disoriented. I feel confused at the break in my usual pattern of constant overeating. My stuffing episode today has brought major pain but the pain is somehow sickly familiar and almost reassuring... or it would be if I were not so so terrified and lonely as always I am when I stuff myself.


One last thing I learned from this fast: FAsting is really serious and really makes you change and this is something for me to really prepare for mentally.
The change is real and it is really scary. Getting healthy.


Now I am trying to plan for my next fast. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel unable to get enough rest. And not only classes but my eating compulsion interferes with my sleep.

I am scared by the big reaction (fatigue, bleeding, spasm) to this fast. A bigger than usual healing.

How am I going to stop the self-stuffing and work toward my next fast?

I really need to rest and I really need to be sober and not stuff not incapacitate myself and keep in a condition in which I can do my schoolwork.


I will post tomorrow.






 

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