Felt Kidney pain today. It was a wake up call.

Date:   10/12/2007 5:54:09 PM ( 17 y ago)

2:54 PM
October 12, 07

Been struggling with Pages,
the Word Processing program on this new
Imac.

Learned finally how to get a Pdf into IPhoto.

Learned how to go to Show Layout in View
and eliminate additional pages.

Feeling the repercussions of running
fear through my system when I run into a snag
with New Learning.

These Panic Attacks are Childhood based.
I need to get over them.

They have to do with Arreted Development.

They are shamed based.

I have been wanting to not do the Pacific Symposium '07.
Having feelings it is just too much.

Today, for the first time in years, my kidneys started to hurt.
I layed down.

I cannot afford Kidney pain to happen.

That happened the night before an International Feng Shui Conference
in San Luis Obispo

I had to go into the hospital
drink poison
get a cat skan
and take a pill
for 18 days.

The pill took away the pain
but it took one year to get my digestion back.

I head is in a left brain fog.
What is that drug called,
the high powered version of Motren?

I looked. the bottle label cannot be read.

I am convinced the childhood memories are stored in the body.

Judith has been consciously talking to my Inner Family,
inner children.

I was up real early writing out things for JoanE
RE; The CSA newsletter.

It was a long readout.

I felt good about it.

Then I went back to bed.

When I awoke again, I felt depression.

the 5 AM me is not the 8 AM me.

These ideas I get commit me to
overwork and imbalanced living.

I take on more than is humanly possible.

Today, I was able to name patterns that
look like Obsessive-Compulsive.

It is like a thought comes into my head
and I have to go do it, or freak out.

The idea of something not working, or something
lost weights heavy on me now.

I am sure the depression came from one of my disowned parts.

One of my inner Kids hates deeply that I sit at this computer all day.

I was feeling so depressed about this.

We are having some lovely fall days.

I sense what I am going through now
applies to lots of others too.

I have lost my ground.

I got on my knees today and checked out the earth worms.

My Ground has become the Computer.
The recent crash and the need to adjust to so much
learning all at once is hard on me.

The words compassion and mercy came into my head
as I was freaking out.

I pulled myself together, through cleaning off my desk.

The idea of losing data...really bothers me.

Today, just loosing a name I did not complete on yesterday--
a friend who was willing to contribute, really got to me.

Really, Really, irrational thinking.

So much of this stems from being separarte from the literal ground.

I know gardening is the answer.
When I garden I am in connection
with growing things.

I am touching a place where my soul feels good.

It got a hold of myself, when I committed to finish some things
from the week, before I took on more new stuff.

Ibuprofen...that is the name of the drug....
Misspelled.

##


 

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