Blog: Breaking free from chains of my past
by gotcha862003

You give me something

i can't help it if a guy can play the guitar, has a sexy voice and exudes an irresistible charm--comeon, i'm a gal.

Date:   10/13/2006 12:02:42 PM   ( 15 y ) ... viewed 1803 times

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

He called this morning. I awoke a little startled by the shrills of my phone, but I knew instinctively it had to be him. I always know if he was the one on the other end. An affectionate conversation. His barritone voice entranced me. His sexy demeanour made me break into a smile. His kisses--half way around the globe--touched the core of my heart. I could just imagine him reclined on his bed shamelessly flirting with me. It was like making love over the phone, without all the messy, dirty innuendoes--like seeing a beautiful woman in a body-hugging gown, but still leaving enough room for imagination.

His conversation meant the world to me, because I needed someone reassuring. In a way, he has always been my protector, lover and mentor ever since we started our long-distance relationship.I told him not to give up on me although this crisis marked the lowest point in my life--this adversity was mine to conquer. (LESSON 1) I have never known loneliness of such immensity and strength that I never knew I had. Facing a tragedy changes a person entirely, for better or worse.

"Although I don't know how you are or what you feel or think, I love you dearly H.G. I want to be with you. I want you only. I love you only. I miss you, everything you are. (LESSON 2) I lost my focus [on my fasting programme] a few days ago and became depressed. When a reassuring figure is absent, it can be very diffficult."

A little background information for the reader. I met him on a spring vacation to Turkey the previous year. The ostensible goal of the trip was to accompany my mother, hence I went with little expectations or excitement. Serendipity was a card God must have been playing with us, because we fell in love at first sight. Our first meeting was on deck on a ferry across the dardanelles with the backdrop of an evening chiffron hue, rolling distant black mountains, and cool sea breeze--as if a story out of a romance novel. The rest of the trip was history. We could not wait to get up each day just because we were going to see each other and, together,unravel more mysteries of a modestly magnificent country. We wished the days were longer so the nights would not have to separate us to our hotel rooms. It was a clandestine relationship but it was extremely real. When I left Turkey, I fought back tears and he admitted he almost lost it.

"In 16 yrs, I have never met anyone like you. And I love you, with all my heart, my lovely sparrow. You have changed everything in this short ten days." Ever since, we have been faithful and weathered thick and thin together. My trip was delayed so many times when I hit rock bottom this year, with my illness exacerbated by a burnout, depression, resentment, family problems. That is why when I finish this programme, I will be fulfilling my promise and taking a vacation with him to rejuvenate my soul. Only with him do I feel safe.

Summer departs;
Winter looms.
Playful adventures have lost their allure.

From away,
fritter home;
To nestle in your sweet abode,
my master.

Love, sparrow

He told me to tell him what I needed. If I wanted him here, he would take the first flight out. "I am always with you. Never forget." He has waited for months--in confusion, bewilderment, shock, disappointment,worry, possibly a whole smogasboard of an emotional roller-coaster knowing something was wrong but not knowing what because I was afraid to tell--and he will wait till I fully recover. As a female, it is hard to not question the fidelity of your partner, especially when many obstacles stand in the way. I am 20, he is in his 30s. I am an Asian, he is a European. I am still studying to be a doctor, he is working and travelling a lot. I am single, he is divorced with a son. But monogamy was an issue we established from the start, so that never posed a threat to our relationship. It was his willingness to stay celibate that surprised him and illuminated how much this love meant to him--to him, this was "the love of the century". Yes, he is a hopeless romantic quite apparently. However, what strains our relationship is the lack of communication due to time and distance constraints and I often doubt if the flame of love will burn long enough. His conversation reaffirmed there was still a blooming love between us.(LESSON 3) I had to shed my insecurities and distrust. How strange but he was right. Regardless of the subject matter, I invariably had a problem with trusting people, God, even myself.

In my heart, he is in first place. I won't give away his name here but I will let you know him by his initials--H.G.

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Comments (20 of 20):
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