Blog: Path of my Life
by Karlin

anger management

Anger , the real RAGE that seizes some people, is beatable. It is also an oddity in some ways...

Date:   10/6/2005 7:19:33 PM   ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1999 times

I was trying to write my blog in the form of 'timeline' thru my life, and still will, but I want to add little essays on specific topics now and then. This is one of those.

Anger is something I have had to deal with all my life. The real temper, the one that erupts into violent outbursts towards the fridge or the nearest wall, is common to many people, most of them men I suppose*

This RAGE may be more common to my family than to most. Not my Dad though, but my older brother is the main peer in this temper tantrum stuff... we have been observed slamming tools into the ground, swearing and shouting ranting screaming while stomping around generally out of our minds. Perhaps a screw broke off and now we can't get it out at all... which is completely out of contect with the rage displayed.

I have managed to beat it. It has been more than a decade since I let one fly. The feeling no longer overwhelms me, and I can stop it before it passes a limit, when it is getting severe I just turn it off. I can even keep working on the task that angered me. That journey was a long one, and it is never really over - it is very likely that I am just managing the symptoms of a larger problem.

From the inside, I can tell you what it feels like to have a raging snitfit. Detached from your normal self, memory of the event can be foggy.
For one thing , you notice you feel powerfull. Everybody has backed off, and you are the master of all you see. But it is hard to focus, and you despise everything you are seeing now. I would feel like wrecking it all so I would not have the problem anymore.
For eg., it started with a bolt breaking off. The back of my hand is bleeding from where it hit the car when the bolt broke and my wrench was set free of its bindings.That really hurts, because the back of the hand has no meat to it, and it was really 'pumped', a tight fist around the tool. Lucky I didn't break a bone.
Or, for eg.2 - Once, it started with my [now ex] wife tossing towels on the floor - this is really embarrasing, but its not me anymore so hey - and I was doing Mr Mom at the time. Her complete reluctance to address the issue made me boil over, and I walked over and punched the fridge real hard, breaking my flute-playing little finger-bone on the side of the hand.

Both occaisions I just wanted everything around there to be ruined.I slammed stuff, beat on it, perfectly good things we used and needed. Symbols of the situation.

I don't know if we are trying to destroy, or just display something, but that wrecking stuff seems to be part of it. Punching the wall must be very symbolic of something....

My most recent look at temper and anger was a few years ago with my brother, whom I have witnessed so many times all thru my life getting really angry. He was doing something or one of the kids was making hassles, and he "went off angry" , had the big loud rage shouting and stomping. What do you call it? Childish, get ahold of yourself, temper tantrum over something you DON'T want? I thought he looked ridiculous, as must have I.

Whatever you call it, it is ugly.
I am just realising that it scared the children.
Allways, I felt more like everyone was laughing afterwards, laughing at me or about it. "Nobody takes us seriously when we do this stuff". But the kids were afraid. I wonder if I was a-fraid when it happened when I was very young? My own kids have seen a few of these loud and wild episodes!! Not AT them so much, but because of them and they knew that. A fully grown man is scary when angry, plain and simple. Anger must be controlled or the kids will get freaked out, maybe for life. It is like smoking that way - not around the kids!!!

How did I stop it?
At first, I stopped them midway. I got out early. That saved some face I thought, which was positive feedback for me.
Later I just decided that I was not going to do this anymore, no more "losing my temper". Really, that just means we all have a demeanor about us, and we must maintain it to be in a social and civil life.

Meditation helped me, reinforcement of the "feeling of it coming on and choosing not to react to it" is the key.

From there, I had to realise something else - that it was , at least partly, a chemical thing. That could sound like a cop-out, but I am sure of it. All these things start with a chemical imbalance in the brain.
The real RAGE is not like being 'disturbed'. It is a very strong feeling, and it feels more like falling down than a choice. It is on you before you know it, and each raging thing you do begs for another one. Adrenaline is running on high, for one - brain chemcials out of balance have a reason and an outcome, and neither is good.

Environmental Toxins or brain damage can be strong indicators of who gets RAGE. Certain drugs can cause rage, and there are bacteria/virus/man-made bioweapons that have that as their symptom - to cause panic and rage in the population.

Rage is a certain precise mix of brain chemistry. It can be turned off of course, but that some are more prone to it should not make us judge them too hard. It is often the Type A people - driven and exacting - who fall victimn to the Rage temper tantrums. We might wonder if testing bio-weapons has afflicted certain people. Maybe it is a good idea to give everyone a break for their behaviors, because you never know what the trouble behind it is, and may not be their fault.

This is the "leftist" [lovers] view because the Right [haters] view doesn't want to acknowledge that people might not be to blame for their own misfortunes, which is the capitialists' slogan. [after they poisen the waters of course]

* I am not sure that it is because women don't 'let it show', perhaps they don't really have this affliction because this is something that is beyond choice at times, the way it comes on. Brain chemistry would back that up.

Nothing is beyond choice of course, as far as our own actions go. Any movement I make starts with a decision to move ; any sound or smell i emit is a result of my choices, except for certain circumstances like someone spilling some diesel on you, and also above I touched on some reasons why rage might have its roots in bioweapons testing or other excuses.

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