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Remote Viewing Humor
Or What I did on Summer Vacation by ~9th~ Humor cures all misinformation and puts everything into perspective...uh huh! Yep! Ya had to be there to "get it"- I got it and How!
Date: 11/7/2005 4:32:47 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1845 times http://www.firedocs.com/remoteviewing/humor/index.cfm
Q. Does the remote viewing community have a motto?
A. Yes. The motto is "Your secrets are still safe." In addition, various flavors of RV have their own individual mottos.
TRV: Anything you can do we can do better.
SRV: There's no place like sub-space.
CRV: Ingo's way or the highway.
ERV: Earn money at home while sleeping.
XRV: Get your T-shirts here.
YRV: Well....we also sell crystals & cards.
HRVG: Hawaiian for "When do you think the others will show up?"
TDS: TLC specialists.
Q. What kind of equipment is needed to RV?
A. Ordinary everyday items you have around the house. Start with your basic grey walled, soundproof room, a table and two chairs. Many basements already fill this requirement. If you only have a crawl space you had best take up ERV.
Add a black ink rollerball model 7522-slick50 pen and 8 1/2 X 11, 20lb bright white paper with no creases, wrinkles or folds. Caution: You may be a redneck if you RV without wearing socks.
Q. Will I be able to communicate with aliens?
A. Chances are that you already have but do not remember it. Virtually all remote viewers have been either abducted by aliens, voluntarily gone along with them , been visited by them or have at least seen alien craft, alien bases, alien artifacts, or at least seen the movie Aliens.
Q. What kind of preparations are necessary before doing a remote viewing session?
A. This varies depending on the rv method used and upon the instructor. With some methods, no special preparations are necessary. Just come in out of the hot garden or whatever, sit down and go to it. But be carefull not to drip sweat on the paper. Other methods require elaborate preparations perhaps days in advance. Meditate. Wash your car. Eat a bag of Trail Mix. Jog 3.1416 miles. Do 37 pushups. Massage your left ankle with your right hand (females do the reverse...massage your right hand with your left ankle.) Count prime numbers until your next local forecast on the weather channel. Whistle a happy tune. Wearing socks is optional.
Q. Can anyone do it?
A. Of course. Birds do it. Bees do it. Even monkeys in the trees do it.
Q. How long before I can become proficient and appear at Carnagie Hall?
A. This varies. Some people become expert before completing their first session. They immediately know all there is to know but dis-appear and are never heard from again. Others practice, practice, practice and become cornerstones of the psychic rock community. Some dis-appear and are never heard from again. Others go out in search of the experts that have dis-appeared. Most reach a level after one year, where, if tested, they would score 26.05% as opposed to normal chance of 25%. This usually improves at the rate of .03% per year and asymptotically approaches 27.2%. Of course these numbers are based on using only 4 basic Gestalts as targets. So, the answer is: No one has yet appeared at Carnigie Hall, but if you do you must wear socks.
Q. Has RV been proven to the public?
A. Only a small part of the public. RV is being proven one person at a time via various classes. Its like one of those pyramid things, but the vast majority of viewers go into the closet. Don't ask what they do there.
Q. Can I learn to predict winning lottery numbers?
A. I am glad you asked.
Q. How will remote viewing affect my life?
A. It varies by individual. Most people shift a paradigm or two unless they drive automatics. Some people learn what an orrery is. Many come to the realization that they should "get a life" and are never heard from again. A small but significant number wander the countryside looking for underground shelters. Another even smaller number open up their own schools and sell t-shirts and become Amazon.com agents. Another yet even smaller number take in greys as pets or companions.
Q. How much does it cost?
A. Some methods are avilable for free on the internet. Others cost from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars. At least one method is available for nominal supplies costs but the shipping and handling charges to get your body out to the island is quite high.
Q. Can I learn to pick winning lottery numbers?
**A. Yes. No.(Yes, but no one will split any winnings with you)
Q. Uhhh....just what is remote viewing?
A: Uhhhhh....ask your teacher.
Q. Before signing up for any classes, should I ask for a demonstration or a "test drive" from the instructor or school?
A. Instructors and schools are not out to prove that they can RV. They cannot be expected to continually "prove" RV or perform parlor tricks. There are many paperbacks, magazine articles and hundreds of un-obtainable scientific studies on the subject. Besides it has been extensively covered on television. This is an unfriendly, devisive and confrontational question. Perhaps you should go study OBE or try having an NDE. This FAQ may be removed at any time.
Q. Can you give an example where someone remote viewed a future event?
A. Yes. More than a year before it happened, a remote viewer foresaw that President Clinton would make an announcement regarding ETs and that a woman would be a significant part of the event. This all came about in the movie Contact where the identity of the woman was found to be Jodie Foster.
Q. Can you give an example where someone solved a crime or the cause of a disaster by remote viewing?
A. Yes. The crash of flight TWA 800 has been solved three times by three different independent remote viewers or remote viewer teams. The flight had an incredible run of bad luck. It was simultaneously hit by a missile and an energy beam while experiencing a critical mechanical failure.
Q. Can one use remote viewing to track down the existence and location of aliens on earth?
A. Yes. At least four independent remote viewers or teams have discovered the whereabouts of underground alien bases. Each effort has produced a different set of locations which may account for the lack of followup investigations by researchers. Some bases are located under environmentally protected lands requiring too much paperwork.
Q. Is there anything that cannot be remote viewed?
**A. Only what Angels want to block. However, one can be BANNED from certain websites for asking difficult or embarassing questions. But, there is an advantage to that in that you then are qualified to wear a "BANNED FROM..." T-shirt. (Hmmmm ~9th~)
Q. Are there any books I should read or subjects I should study?
A. Yes, Psychic Warrior by Jim Schnabel. However, he is alleged to be a CIA operative thereby making everything in the book suspect. One theory is that the many references that tie remote viewing to ETs and UFOs is a dis-information campaign used to attract UFOlogists to RV since they have more credibility than palm readers, spoon benders and astrologers.
Q. Does diet, exercise, alcohol or drugs affect RV ability?
A. Yes. Follow the rules that apply to other activities. If you drink don’t RV. If you drive don’t RV. If you drink and drive you will have a huge AI. An apple a day keeps AOL away. Just say no. Smoke em if you got em. Keep your powder dry.
Q. What about vitamin suppliments or medicines?
A. See your doctor. If he lets you out of the office after you explain your reasons follow his advice. Vitamins B1, B2B, B17, B25 and B29 are often recommended. v!agra is believed to produce many AOLs and reduce concentration.
Q. What if I only want to be a monitor?
A. Hey, whatever. Some people want to be umpires and referees and corner workers.
Q. What about lotto numbers?
**%$&!A. Actually, it would be easier to drive your camel under Santa Fe Baldy in the winter. (Don't I know it- Go to a psychic that will charge you $117.00 and will decline the ARV session on numbers 1-9 , BUT advise you to ask your light beings directly- Yes, that'll serve you right!~9th~)
Q. How does one know if they were on target?
A. Feedback. But now you have opened a whole new can of worms especially if the feedback consists of a photo. Of course, worms and chlorella will soon be necessary for survival.
Q. Why is feedback a can of worms?
A. There are several aspects to feedback.
An RVer must learn to RV the target site not the feedback.
If the RVer is RVing the feedback and the photo is black and white he will get very few color sensories , also if the objects in the photo are no longer actually there then the data is wrong. On the other hand, if the RVer provides data that is not in the feedback photo, then who’s on first?
What’s on second if the RVer does not provide data on the photographer who took the picture?
@*&%!I don’t know who’s on third if the Rver starts doorknobing, peacocking, time shifting, time sharing or goes off looking for excitement, a mate or an alien.(Or One may meet up with an ancient Pharoah acquiantance and held hostage while the former asks the *stupider* where the object is that the *stupider* just can't seem to grasp- While the teacher/monitor is at home in his socks using remote influence to relieve women of their pajamas psychically of course!~9th~) It may be better to talk about lotteries. !~*&%!(with light beings transporting numbers through 'bowel canal'- or was that the Monitor?- same difference I guess!~9th~)
Q. How do you assign a target number?
***A. Numbers? Numbers? I don’t need no stinking numbers!!! Ready, set go! What???? Do you want to have to learn Access too? (Don't worry! If the instructor forgets, he'll tell you-"just make them up"- because he is at home without his socks ~9th~)
Q. How many stages are there?
A. Most have 6 public stages. Some have other secrete stages. Then there is Carnigie Hall, but no one wants to go there.
Q. Are there any awards or prizes available?
A. Yes. There is the Lead Balloon award given to anyone who suggests that a group of viewers work targets and display their sessions in any public manner whatsoever. These awards are most popular among the CRV and TRV groups.
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