I've fallen but gotten right back up =)
Yesterday I officially broke the waterfast. I thought for a moment that perhaps it was time to re-feed. However, with prayer and meditation I felt I needed to do this for the non-physical healing and spiritual.
Date: 4/8/2015 12:10:08 PM ( 8 y ) ... viewed 392 times
So as I mentioned yesterday I broke the fast. Typically I really plan things out and get my mind ready for re-feeding or I've cracked and just tired of not eating and just wing it. Of course I usually go the first route as I know the second one never works out well. So, here I go getting deeper on my relationship with food and my body. As a student of "A Course In Miracles" (ACIM) I have become aware of how this world, and definitely the body is a tool most used for guilt and shame. It doesn't have to be that way. We perceive things two ways, through that of the ego (causes pain and suffering) which is based on illusion, or that of the Holy Spirit (resulting in peace and love) which is based on Truth.
Anyway, I have been praying to heal my thoughts about food and my body. Since I was about 12 years of age I was pretty well informed about eating healthy and exercising. Since my college years I went full force learning about health. I got BS degree in the health field and also got another in Holistic health studies. My point is that my whole life has been centered on fixing/healing the body. It's natural for me to keep finding answers and learning more. But see I'm at a point of understanding that I don't want the state of my body to dictate whether or not I am at peace. Well, food and my body keep me in a constant state of conflict. I am praying to God to help me let go of all that I have known and believed about the body and replace it with The Truth of who I am. To be at peace with my body and food. I want my relationship with food and my body to be loving ( unloving=fear/guilt/shame). I've become more aware of how my thought processing with food. Fear and guilt/shame tend to be the most predominant. I should be eating this and not that. I better not eat more than this. Why did I eat more than I was supposed to? I better not eat that. I can't have that. Now look what I've done. There were times when I've been very disciplined and eaten real well going raw or Paleo or whatever. Did it really change things? Well, I felt less guilty or shameful knowing I was doing good for my body. But it's all temporary. You have something out of the program and you feel damned to hell. So, I'm asking God to help all this faulty beliefs that have become programmed in my head. What is good and what is bad. Wipe the slate clean. Be at peace with food. Seek to enjoy food in a healthy nourishing way and be able to still enjoy a slice of pizza or apple pie without feeling conflicted/guilty. Not be afraid or feel powerless. I want to take back my power as a child of God. I want to treat my body kindly and lovingly no matter what stage or state it is in. I want to return to love.
With all that said, I still have my old thinking that needs changing. I look at my emotions about food and my body. Isn't it crazy that fasting makes me feel safe and powerful. Although I can feel conflicted of do I eat or not eat, I feel freed from guilt/shame and I feel in control=powerful. I know this probably sounds crazy and totally different from all my other posts. But if you know me, I've never walked the typical/normal path.
My goal for fasting was meant to heal the body but the healing of the mind and spiritual growth IS the priority for me. ACIM says the body is neutral. It's intended purpose is communication. So all the pain and suffering I am experiencing are conscious/unconscious beliefs projected by me.
So, as I get back on the horse my thought process is changing. I don't want to focus on analyzing the body 100%. Analysis is of the ego. I want there to be a shift to looking deeper into what is happening to me. For every thought about food or my body, I will take that as a cue to pray "God teach me to see this differently that I may finally be at peace. I seek Truth and desire only to know that."
I just want to say I have no intention to offend or judge anyone in their journey. This is my journey and this is what I believe is right for me. It is not my intention to be the answer to anything. I do want to use my blog to connect with others. Perhaps my journey may resonate with another. We all want healing. We all truly want joy and peace as we walk on this earth.
Breaking the fast before reaching our goal can be labeled as a "fail". But I see it as a "win". I am grateful for the wisdom and awareness it has given me. Instead of feeling inadequate, weak in failure I actually feel the opposite. I feel more connected to God, compassionate and loving toward self, powerful, more at peace, liberated. It brings me tears of joy. All I can think of now is Thank You Father.
So I just had an interesting discussion with my Aunt. I shared with her the things I mentioned in my post earlier today. One of the things she said that really resonated was when we are children we are rewarded with treats when we are good. You get candy, ice cream, etc. We are conditioned to be rewarded with food. Then I thought, as a child you learn yummy treats are what you get when you're good. As an adult you learn eating treats are bad for you. We are left conflicted and when we have the treat we feel guilt/shame and punish ourselves with self-loathing. Crazy set-up. So my Aunt says that's a whole life of programming that's difficult to undo. ahhh yes. It probably would be if YOU try to undo on your own. I truly believe with God anything can be done. As ACIM states, miracles are natural. When they don't occur, something has gone wrong.
From ACIM lesson #77
"I am entitled to miracles"
You are entitled to miracles because of what you are. You will receive miracles because of what God is. And you will offer miracles because you are one with God. Again, how simple is salvation! It is merely a statement of your true Identity. It is this that we will celebrate today.
Your claim to miracles does not lie in your illusions about yourself. It does not depend on any magical powers you have ascribed to yourself, nor on any of the rituals you have devised. It is inherent in the truth of what you are. It is implicit in what God your Father is. It was ensured in your creation, and guaranteed by the laws of God.
Today we will claim the miracles which are your right, since they belong to you. You have been promised full release from the world you made. You have been assured that the Kingdom of God is within you, and can never be lost. We ask no more than what belongs to us in truth. Today, however, we will also make sure that we will not content ourselves with less...Miracles do not obey the laws of the world. They merely follow from the laws of God...
I say "I am entitled to miracles" because of Who I am.
And so it is.
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