Blog: Floating the Abyss
by SoulfulSurvivor

Children & Domestic Violence

Children in environments of domestic violence and abuse are systematically destroyed.

Date:   4/6/2011 10:44:31 AM   ( 10 y ) ... viewed 15798 times

This topic addresses how and why the cycle of domestic violence and abuse is growing at an exponential rate. Once again, CAPS do not indicate shouting, but a strong underlined, bold, italic.

It is a statistical fact that a full 90% of ALL REPORTED ABUSE is perpetrated in the presence of children. This means that undeveloped minds are forced to witness emotional and verbal abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse, and sexua| abuse. The undeveloped minds of children cannot PROCESS what they are witnessing, and their fragile and impressionable psyches are altered from what should be a healthy opportunity to develop into productive and responsible adults into only 2 possibilities: a) a more effective and violent abuser, or b) a human being that is groomed to be a victim. When raised in an abusive environment, it is virtually an Act Of God that a child will develop into a physically and emotionally healthy, productive member of their society.

Children learn many things when they are raised in an abusive environment. The first thing that they learn is that they are completely powerless and do not have the option of decision-making or choices. The simple human rights of free will are denied and they either learn to AGREE with the abuser's actions, or to deflect them and act meek to avoid the same type of punishment that they are witnessing. Typically, a child is required to demonstrate their loyalty TO the abuser by supporting the actions OF the abuser to avoid harm. In my case, the former abuser always seemed rational in his gaslighting and crazy-making, and he could accomplish this facade via various tactics, including physical violence, hours-long lectures on why the victim is wrong or mentally unbalanced, withold/reward, the Silent Treatment, etc.

Indeed, I was the one that, for all intents and purposes, appeared to be a lunatic. I was also the main source of corporal punishment, by proxy. I own this sin, and I've come to terms with my actions, but I feel that it is an imperative to speak truthfully so that others might learn something from my experiences, no matter how small that "something" might be. It worked like this:
Abuser: he's NOT showing me respect, and he learned THAT from YOU!
Me: he's just a KID! He didn't do that intentionally.
Abuser: he's seen YOU defy me, so he feels it's okay to backtalk his father. Either you Do Something about it, or I will.
Me: I'm NOT going to hit him for that! He can apologize and let's just move on!
Abuser: WHY do you ALWAYS UNDERMINE MY AUTHORITY? That's it - I'm getting the belt!
At which point, I would assume the task of spanking my child because I knew that the abuser would beat my son horribly if he started.

So, our son saw me as the executioner and his father as the Ultimate Authority. Although I was generally the corporal punisher, make no mistake that the abuser did his part, as well, in abusing our sons and paying me out if I failed or refused to dole out unwarranted punishment. His control was ABSOLUTE, and he used that phrase, "undermine my authority," frequently - at least twice a week, and more often towards the end.

Additionally, the abuser exposed my sons to a variety of inappropriate things and I truly believe that both of my sons were sexually abused. Given the abuser's extreme hatred of women and his sexua| perversions, I have no doubt, especially given the fact that he brought my eldest newborn to me for a feeding with my son nursing at the abuser's own breast. Yes, this really did happen and the abuser excused the episode with, "It just happened - he just latched on, and if you tell ANYONE about this, I'll flatly deny it and you'll look like you're insane!" And, NO, I didn't run. I tried to rationalize this episode as the abuser "wanting to know" the sensation of nursing since he had been pestering me about it, AND my level of sexua| appetite, since my son had been born. Both of our children were witness to physical violence, emotional/verbal abuse, and sexua| abuse - the abuser would punch me in my thighs or upper arms, or viciously pinch or slap my breasts in front of my sons if he felt that I wasn't demonstrating "respect."

The child that I'm speaking of is my eldest son. He was a beautiful child with high energy that didn't have a snowball's chance in hell. The abuser learned about the diagnosis of ADHD and that Ritalin would cause a child to "calm down and focus." Any objection that I raised was met with all of the abusive tactical guns blazing, and the Stockholm Syndrome was further cemented: there would be LESS abuse if I just went along with the abuser, for our son and myself.

Although debate still rages over whether sociopathy is genetic or learned behavior, suffice it to say that my eldest son was properly diagnosed as a sociopath, is extraordinarily abusive and physically violent, and lives outside of the legal system by impersonating a decorated combat veteran (forged citations & awards, and never saw a minute of combat) and dealing illegal substances.

As an adult, I had the choice to leave with a frame of reference to compare the before-abuse and after-abuse Self to. Children in an abusive environment DO NOT have a choice in whom their parents will be, or a frame of reference to indicate what a healthy relationship is, and isn't. A child doesn't have a voice or advocacy. And, take this to the bank: the Hollywood portrayal of the battered mother doing everything she can to protect her children IS THE EXCEPTION, and NOT the typical picture of an environment of domestic abuse. Of the hundreds of cases that I've been involved with, my experiences fall in the average of 70%.

Had I been a more self-confident and "educated" human being with regard to personal boundaries, domestic violence/abuse, and sociopathy, it is quite possible that I would have made better choices and decisions BEFORE I produced two innocent human beings that were doomed to be an abuser and a perfect victim.

Domestic violence not only takes its toll on the primary victim, but children are systematically destroyed before they even get a fighting chance to live healthy lives. Family, friends, coworkers, physicians, and everyone else who is even peripherally involved all experience the negative impact of the epidemic of domestic violence and abuse. IF you are living in such an environment with children involved, or if you KNOW/SUSPECT that children are living in an environment of domestic violence and abuse, IT IS YOUR BUSINESS. The cultural, societal, and economic impact of this epidemic cannot be underestimated - the effects are far-reaching and, in some cases, quite fatal.

Brightest blessings!

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Comments (18 of 18):
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