The "Sex Factor"
How sex and sexuality factors into the arsenal of an abuser.
Date: 3/30/2011 7:03:55 AM ( 11 y ) ... viewed 19430 times
Okay - this particular topic will require several posts, perhaps, and I'm starting it out on the hand-held device. I apologize for any typos, in advance! Words and phrases in ALL CAPS should not be construed as shouting.
It's important to discuss sex, sexuality, and how they factor into my situation, but domestic violence and abuse, in particular. Although my personal experiences may have seemed unique, they were typical of nearly all situations of domestic violence and abuse. Even situations of abuse that are not romantic relationships can experience the Sex Factor. Any time that sex, or a person's sexuality, is used to ridicule, humiliate, degrade, or objectify, IT IS ABUSE.
I had always had a strong sexua| energy for as long as I could remember, and I had a fair number of partners by the time I became involved with the former abuser - hell, it was the '70's and early '80's, and free love was in full swing before the recognition of AIDS. I was also a flirt - I enjoyed attention as long as it didn't have requirements to fulfill someone else's wants. Human sexuality was normal, as far as I was (and, am) concerned. This didn't mean that I found infidelity to be appropriate. I was generally faithful to whomever I was dating, and I refused to become involed with a married man, regardless of any sob stories that he might have concocted to excuse cheating on his wife - I just wasn't going to do that because I had a couple of partners that had cheated on me, and I wasn't going to visit that upon someone else.
I was also ignorant of hard-core p 0 r n o g r a p h y until I became involved with the abuser. Sure, I had seen Playboy and Playgirl magazines and had read plenty of "romantic" novels, but the visual aspect of p 0 r n had never been a part of my world. There is a vast difference between eroticism and p 0 r n, and one excites while the other perverts, as I later learned.
As I've mentioned, my association with the abuser began shortly after his father's passing. At first, our relationship was not physical, but there was a strong undercurrent of expectation - I decided that I was going to take things slowly with this one. We spent a great deal of tine sharing our thoughts, dreams, goals, and feelings. Looking back, I can now see that it wasn't really romantic, at all. I was sharing MY feelings, etc.., while he would respond with, "Yes! I feel the SAME way!" At long last! I had finally met someone who could be my soulmate! What it translated to from abuser-speak was: "Your information will prove profitable. Continue speaking and I will continue to agree with you."
He asked about people that I had previously dated - why we broke up, wjat I had liked about them, and what I had not. Like an idiot, I gave him honest answers, especially with regard to whether or not I had sex with them. He was filing away every scrap of information and seemed to really hone in on the physical/sexual aspects of my previous relationships. I want to clarify this point - he didn't necessarily demand informatio, and this is what his approach was:
Him: so, you must have hated him when you found out that he was cheating on you!
Me: sure, I was upset and my feelings were hurt because I was never unwilling to have sex, but I guess I wasn't giving him what he thought he needed.
Him: I think he was just using you. How could he want anything better than you?
Me: I didn't never did go to bed with him. I loved his company, but I just didn' find him physically appealing.
Him: you must be joking! You dated him for 3 months and didn't have sex with him? How did you manage that? You're always wanting it withme! You mean to tell me that you didn't do it with him even once? It's unbelievable.
So, the first example explains how he wheedled my insecurities out of me during conversation. The second example demonstrates how he not only made note of my strong sexua| energy, but allowed the cloud of suspicion and doubt to loom on the horizon.
In the meantime, my sexua| energy was finally matched and the abuser seemed to maintain all of the hopes, dreams, and values that I did! And, he always had good weed! Okay, so he couldn't hold down a job or afford gas for his car, but he was crazy about me and couldn't get enough of me, apparently.
It wasn't so much that I was that desirable, but that a narcissist/sociopath MIRRORS their victim targets in ever way possible. They are only as witty, loving, or sexua| as their targets, and they play off of the victims attributes while cataloging and collecting their victims' faults, fears, and mistakes.
The tiny device has become irritating - much more on this, later, and I do invite comments and recollections from readers who have Survived, and from those who may not yet be ready to evolve fromvictim into Survivor.
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